Net: Ask and ye sha…

Net: Ask and ye shall receive … in ridiculously small quantities. Yes, only one gentle soul followed up on our meager request for positivities. Oh yes, it was quite the challenge we set forth — to send us in something that didn’t make us want to dip our Kleenex-wrapped head in a vat of flaming kerosene — but some just haven’t got what it takes.
And so, perhaps we must move on, back into our collective cave of flotsam and jetsam. Or something like that. Ho-hum.

A WEE BIT O’ GLEE
From Mulad: Net: We loved you in that Disney movie. In response to your request for comments that aren’t full of doom and gloom, I submit the following ideas for ways to make your days more livable:
1. The football team might maybe actually be able to possibly go to a bowl game (whee!) Go ahead, cheer ’em on — it can’t hurt anything. Net: Yeah, and paint yer damn face while yer attit.
2. Construction on campus a bad thing? Hardly!! The compressed walking space just gives you a chance to ‘bump into’ that cute guy/girl you’ve been after.
3. Start interesting conversations while looking at the demolition/construction going on. Comment on the size of the (wrecking) ball. Go over by Comstock and make comments about the hole, etc. Net: Like this: “Damn. The last time I saw a hole like that was ….” Well, never mind.
4. Have fun with your friends finding the most convoluted ways of getting from point A to point B (by going through J, P, Q, AA, and 3 first 😉 Net: Huh?
5. Take advantage of leftover building supplies/demolition debris. Make art from rebar! Use leftover bolts to mount your roommate’s bed on the ceiling, etc., etc.
6. Use the confusion surrounding the new registration system to take over the campus classroom by classroom, form your own nation and claim independence from the United States. Net: It worked for Canada. Train the squirrels to attack anyone opposed to your regime.
7. Take the time to learn how to impersonate your professors. Eet kaan becoom weddy weddy entahtayning.
8. Write down more silly ideas to submit to Network.
9. This space intentionally left blank.
10. Watch PCU. Droz Rocks!
There you go. Ten (well, nine and a half) ways to make college life more enjoyable.
Net: Not exactly what we had in mind, but it served the purpose. Enough comedy. We feel like … a mystery!
MASSAGE THIS, BUDDY
From Luckytwentythree: Ahoy-hoy … Last night at about 9:30 p.m., I received a rather bizarre phone call from a nervous, weasely-sounding gentleman. Net: That short singing guy from “Love Boat”? He asked for me by name and asked how I was. Net: Hmmm … odd. Not recognizing the voice at all, I warily asked who I was speaking to. He introduced himself but was speaking much too quickly for me to understand his name. I didn’t catch much more of the name of the business he said he was calling from — but it was something like “MGC Aromatherapy Massage.” He said he had gotten my number through the University.
The man then proceeded to tell me a story about how he had called the day before and spoken with someone who told him to call back (impossible — I would have been the only one who could have spoken to him, and I didn’t). Net: Where’s Angela Lansbury when you need her? When I said something to this effect (mistake — kids, never tell a stranger on the phone that you live alone!), he said maybe he was trying to reach someone else with my last name (he actually mentioned a specific name, but I’ll refrain), and was I related to her? Net: Lettus guess … and then he came through the door with some crazy white mask right outta that Munch painting, wielding a knife and running like the dickens. Oh, and you look like Drew Barrymore. At this point, I was fed up and I just said, “No, I’m not, and I think this is totally bogus, so whatever it is you’re selling, no thanks.” And I hung up. Net: That’s what Drew did. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER!
The phone immediately rang again. I said hello, and here was this man’s voice again! He actually had the nerve to cold-call me back! Net: The bastard! This time, he sounded angry. Apparently, I had wounded his fragile ego, Net: That short singing guy on “Love Boat” always seemed like the sensitive type. for he said, “I’m not a bogus person! I’m the chairman and CEO of a company!” Net: “And I’m also a client!” I replied that that was great, but he was calling me in MY home. His reply was, “Well, I have your number, so good luck with your studies at the University.” I was somewhat irritated, but prepared to let it go. Until, that is, the phone rang a THIRD time. Net: It’s all just so unbelievable. We’re simply about to explode with tension. Make it stop! In the name of all that is decent and holy, make it stop!
This time, all he said was, “Cool it, Jen.” Outrageous! Nobody from a legitimate organization calls back to volley insults THREE TIMES on a cold call! Net: Unless they’re selling those nifty three-paned insulated windows. The ones that tilt in for easy cleaning and provoke much envy around the neighborhood. After working on the telephone for 11 years, I ought to know.
Furthermore, not that it’s that big a deal, but NOBODY outside of my close friends calls me “Jen.” The nerve! Net: Cool it, Jen (insert soundtrack from “Psycho” here).
When relating this story to a friend, I found out that several people around the University had received the same call(s). In fact, when I called the Daily to see what I could see, the person who answered said that her household had been called too. Net: “The Daily — your source for in-depth homicidal stalker info.” We gotta forward that to Marketing.
The real point is, where did this man get my name and number? Does the University sell its enrollment lists, or what? As far as I know, I’ve never been listed in the student directory, Net: What are you, royalty? How’d you swing that? so that wouldn’t be it. I would like to know what the other people who got these calls did about it, or what they found out about it, if anything. Do the University cops know about it? Net: Don’t bark up that tree, Jen. They’re busy writing citations to 10 year olds. Any information or ideas about where he could have gotten my information is much appreciated!