TURNED OFFLINE
From Waiting to Register: Dear Net, as I sit here wondering if the server is down or whether I will get in to that desolate night class, I am struck with the same question that plagued this campus earlier this year. Net: Who stole our can of Easy Cheese? What the hell is the frickin’ problem with the damn registration system? Net: Oh, that … Joe College is talkin’ about “class” again. Boy, those computer science dumbasses sure did a number on the once-hailed system. Most people know the reason all of these changes went into place was that the old system wasn’t Y2K-compatible or some s##!t Net: We thought it was because they got tired of downloading porn, but why replace it with something so slow it makes watching paint dry a more fulfilling alternative? If anyone out there is sitting in a CSCI lab and is not a computer science major, slap the next person walking by for even attempting such an inane degree program. Net: From Net’s Guide To Finding a Low-Paying, Routinely Unsatisfying Career: Deprive yourself of any computer skills whatsoever, lest you leave yourself open to the evils of technology (such as industrial progress, improved quality of life and financial opportunity). When will we have a system for registration that doesn’t take as long as the semester itself?
DRUNK, BUT SHARP
From Loosey: Hey, Net, I have to say that Wednesday’s entries were not the best. … They weren’t even worth reading to my roommate. Net: Even Michelangelo got a hangover once in a while. But I’d like to tell 6packofMillerLite that there are pencil sharpeners around. Net: The next thing she’d have us believe is that there are tutors who write papers for non-athletes. Not on the St. Paul campus, of course, but what DO they have over there?? Net: Open space. There are tons in Willey Hall Net: The last bastion of sanctity before mechanical pencils run rampant throughout society. Oh, wait … that already happened, which I believe is the only place on campus where they can be found. I did find the best pencil sharpener in the world at SBS last year. They ripped me off at $2.79 plus tax, but it was worth it. Net: Then why was it a rip-off? It never eats my pencils and gives me a nice, sharp tip. Also … I don’t know about the bar scene, but I know a few partying chicas in the dorms who like to party like rock stars on the weekends as well as during the week, myself included. Thirsty Thursday never goes by uncelebrated and, recently, Tuesday (can anyone think of a name for Tuesday??) Net: Boozeday Tuesday. That was too easy hasn’t gone by uncelebrated, either. This year’s party scene doesn’t even compare to last year’s, but some of us out there haven’t forgotten how to have a good time. Net: Ahh, you must be the one we read about on the bathroom stalls.
WHINE-O WERITAS
From The Man Known Only as Baron: Hail to Network; it is I once again, smiter of all things naughty, Baron. I am most troubled, great Network. I return from smiting Net: Just like Papa Net always said: So much smiting, so little time evil in the desert wastes of the dark land of Khand, only to find that the once great and illustrious Network has been reduced to a dumping ground for people attacking the views of long-dead University presidents, Regis Philbin addicts Net: Leave Regis (and his nifty shiny ties!) outta this, and sex-starved Institute of Technology students who think they have the gift of being able to write poetry (and that was only Wednesday’s lot, for the love of God). Net: And a sorry lot it was. We couldn’t agree more. ‘Tis a down time in Networkia, wethinks. We can only hope it’s a slump from which we can emerge victorious of mundanity (is that a word?). Here’s some haiku for Shank.
Poor, poor IT geek,
Get back into your chem lab;
Stop trying to write.
I send out a plea to all that is good and decent in Networkia. Net: That’s like looking for college graduates in a casino at 4 a.m. Please help me restore the honor of Network. By the way — Montel would beat the living piss out of Oprah’s fat ass. Net: The first salvo has been fired. Any response from the peanut gallery?
RED AND LOVING IT
From The Baseball Fan: Hey, schized out dudes and dudettes (and frickin’ li’l freshvermin). Net: We’re sure the freshfolk are grateful just to have been included. Today I saw the truth and the future, and both were beautiful. We need to vote for the stadium Net: Where were you Nov. 2? Oh, that’s right … it was Boozeday Tuesday, not because of baseball, but because — as a FINE young woman made me aware — where else can you encounter an attractive, well-endowed chica with bodacious ta-tas wearing a shirt that says “Minnesota Twins.” Net: At any one of the player’s houses, and you can take that to the bank. I almost fell over. To all you people about to revolt, I’m sure she has a beautiful mind, too, but I don’t care! Buy a sense of humor. Net: Wife-beater tank top with grease stains: $0.25 (at a garage sale). Set of Billy Joe Bob’s Fake Teeth: $12. Pair of steel-toed s##!tkickers: $100. Modicum of tact: priceless.
An Ode to the Twins (limerick):
There once was a chick without clogs,
She had bodacious ta-tas,
They were covered by a logo
But who the hell cares, I still sprung a pogo.
Oh, I want to be flogged.
Net: Your poetry is as well-constructed as your family tree.
