Facebook the facts, I am one sad dude

The last time I was coerced into something this degrading, I removed my top at a raucous dance competition.

Consider yourself lucky if you haven’t heard of www.thefacebook.com. It is an annoying, pointless and depressing waste of time – an online friendship network in which college students display their personal profiles and show off how many people they know. It seems like a cheesy dating site, where its miserable members are desperate for attention.

That’s why it stinks that I’m obsessed with the damn thing. Any other time this column would have me ignorantly ranting about how stupid something is, but now I’m in love with a stupid thing, and I don’t mean my girlfriend. Thefacebook has taken control of my life, and I feel as ashamed now as I was when my roommates searched through my computer and found hundreds of various puppy photos. But let’s forget about that and move on.

I can’t seem to get enough of Thefacebook’s tacky features. I check my profile status several times a day to see if anyone has messaged me, but it never happens. The reality is that if my circle of friends wanted to write me, they would send me an e-mail or use an instant messenger program. More of a reality is that my friends probably aren’t my friends at all, and they hate me. Well, I would hate me too, because I am a facebook tool.

Apparently, the Web site was created by some Harvard University guys who wanted to make a little virtual contact-book for people in the residence halls, but it quickly grew to incorporate most major colleges in the United States, with more than 250,000 losers – er, I mean members. This makes me feel a little better about my infatuation, but the fact that I’ve succumbed to such massive peer pressure is discouraging. The last time I was coerced into something this degrading was when I removed my top at a raucous dance competition. Those pictures are probably all over the Internet by now.

Speaking of pictures, I forgot to mention that every member of Thefacebook is allowed to post an image of his- or herself to accompany their personal information. From what I can tell, this University either has a lot of ugly people, or a lot of bad photographers. I’m not saying I’m an Adonis, but some people on the site look so repulsive that I felt that sending a message was the only way to tell them.

“Hey, ugly,” I would write. “Your picture makes me ill, and you are not welcome at the University nor on this site anymore. Excuse me while I dry-heave.”

I’m just joking folks, so stop writing your sappy complaint e-mail right now. I love ugly people! Yes, even you University President Bob Bruininks. Oh, I’m kidding; I’m kidding.

All right, I was serious.

Anyway, if there is a moral to this column – which would be a first – it would be sometimes you need something as trivial as a Web site devoted to popularity to make you feel cool. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there is probably something wrong with the fact I’m stalking a number of people using Thefacebook as my guide. Kidding; kidding!

Ö Serious. Bye, suckers!

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]