Net: It’s been so long since our fingers have danced across this gilded, ruby-studded, mystical floating keyboard. So it’s almost as if we, too, are freshpeople traipsing to and fro — from dorm to bookstore to Dinkydome, from Willey to Kolthoff to Johnston.
Thankfully, there are so many war-weary vets in Networkia willing to part with a few nuggets of insight (or something) that will no doubt ease our transition back to campus life.
Fear not, little ones, for enlightenment surely lies ahead.
ROBERT FULGHUM
WOULD BE SO PROUD
From Phlegm of Discontent: Once again, it’s fall and the University will be inundated by roving packs of freshmen in search of parties, food, booze, poontang, Net: For the uninitiated, this is a dish that can be found at some Chinese restaurants on campus. Just don’t tell ’em we sent you. and to a lesser extent, where in the hell their classes are. Nice guy that I am, Net: Sarcasm alert! Sarcasm alert! I feel obliged to help those less fortunate than myself make the difficult (and sometimes three-year-long) transition from high school to college life. Thus, “Phlegm‘s Guide to Higher Education.” Enjoy.
1. Beware of the squirrel, for it is evil incarnate. Many students have been devoured alive by flocks of these blood-thirsty, fluffy-tailed rats. Net: Squirrel fears are overrated, much like class attendance.
2. Dorm food looks like food, sometimes smells like food, but man, it ain’t food. Net: Same goes for sorority girls.
3. Speling is esenshul wen riting to Netwurk. Net: Just for the record, that was a pain in the ass to get through spell-check.
4. The bike lane is for bikes. The road is for cars. And the sidewalks are for bikes, cars, rollerbladers, skateboarders, conversations and even pedestrians. Net: And, likewise, cops are for harassing.
5. Professors have been known to experiment on new students as they sleep in class. Net: Always wear clean underwear to avoid (further) embarrassment.
6. Nail a pancake to your door for good luck. Net: And while you’re at it, nail a … well, never mind.
7. Frat boys hate it when you flirt with their chicks. Net: But they don’t mind if their chicks flirt with you.
8. Panhandlers look scary, but they’re really just former students. Net: Which only enhances their scariness. It’s along the same lines as “The Blair Witch Project”; we don’t know what happened to them along the way, but it’s kinda freaky nevertheless.
9. When a religious person tries to get me to go to their church, I like to tell them I have to go sacrifice a goat to Ba’al. Net: Reciting lines from “The Exorcist” while spitting up bile works nicely, as well.
10. IT? CLA? CSOM? It doesn’t matter. We’re all SOL. Net: BTW, FYI, get an APAS, ASAP.
11. And above all, he who plays the loudest music probably got his sound system from his parents. Net: Or blew their frat’s entertainment budget.
That’s about all I’ve learned in my four years here. Net: Consider yourself among the lucky ones, friend. Hope it helps.
‘TIS A BITTER PILL
From Chuckle Nuts: This goes out to all of you incoming freshmen. Net: Thaaaaat’s right, Chuck! Tell ’em what they’ve won! Congratulations in choosing one of the largest and most impersonal schools in the nation. I just thought I would take some time to talk with our newest students. Net: Aww … such a tender display of concern. Now shaddap and siddown! To start off, the University only knows you by your ID number, so memorize it. The roof to the chemistry building is securely attached. All men’s basketball players at EVERY university cheat. Sororities are not little lesbian playgrounds. Net: Who said anything about lesbians? Sorority girls are not easy (but they are fun). Your chemistry teaching assistant is probably a math student and your math TA is probably a chemistry student. No math TAs speak English. Net: But they speak wonderful chemistry. Coffman doesn’t look like a gopher. Net: The building doesn’t, but Lotus did. This University produces such stupid graduates that the alumni build an alumni center out of copper. Net: Something more tasteful, like aluminum, would have been preferable. If the organizations that receive student services fees are so important, then they would be able to get their own damn money instead of mine. Net: On the advice of counsel, we assert our Fifth Amendment rights. The University forces me to pay health insurance even though I’m covered under my parents’ plan. The book depository is really a hazardous waste dump. Net: Albeit most of the waste is dumped in the philosophy section. Professors are here for their research Net: And a paycheck, not their teaching ability. You might as well sell your car, you’ll never find any parking. Nobody is allowed to talk on the Campus Connector — just stare uncomfortably out the window while you’re sandwiched between two strangers. Net: Save the chit-chat for when you’re sandwiched between two drunk strangers at one of Chuckle Nuts‘ lame-ass parties. Professors tell you to e-mail instead of call because it’s easier to ignore you. Yes, IT geeks are smart, but they can’t hold a conversation worth spit. PeeWee kicks ass, so listen to everything he has to say. Net: Just for that, we’re tempted to place PeeWee in exile. The greek community are not elitist, they are just better people overall. The last thing I would like to say to incoming freshmen is to stay the hell out of my way, and don’t bother showing up at my parties cause you ain’t gettin’ in. Net: Oh yeah, there’s nothing elitist about that at all.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Net: Suddenly we’re concerned about the tinies on campus who are likely feeling melancholy at this point. It’s not easy being a freshperson. But it is easy to rip willy-nilly on our little institution of higher learning.
The problem with the slew of letters that make their way through the chutes and ladders of the Networkian Postal Service is their overwhelming negativity. They make us wonder which came first — the punk with a bad attitude or the prof with a mental mute button?
Your mission, Networkians, should you choose to accept it, is to find the silver lining. Let us revel in your glee rather than wallow in your gloom — for once.
