UP FROM HELL THE ANSWER BLEW
From Hell-Dawg: If I don’t get all this off my chest soon, I’m afraid I’m going to end up in a padded cell with only my own feces to play with, chanting, “I hate people” all day long for the rest of eternity.
1. I hate it when people write in to Network and have to waste an entire paragraph sucking up and going on and on about how great Network is. Come on people, have some pride. Net: Yeah, you obsequious pack of lap dogs, have some … HEY!!!
2. I hate how Dr. Date always prints all these letters like, “How can I meet so-and-so …,” or “Help us with our relationship ….” blah, blah, blah. What I want to read about is sex. I want Dr. Date to be full of graphic, nasty and sometimes freaky sex stories and advice — that’s it. Net: We concur. Chips, dips, chains, whips, AND the hot wax on the nipples! C’mon, Dr. D! Get freaky for the people!
3. I want “Otherwhere” and “Freshman Observations” to be cast deep into the fiery pits of hell where they can add to the torment and anguish of a million lost souls, instead of harassing my eyes and numbing my brain on a daily basis. Net: We’re lobbying for “Family Circus” to appear in their stead. Mommy! Billy showed me his Tinky Winky!
4. Someone at the Daily needs to actually read some of the crap that Sara Hurley writes before they print it. Yeah, yeah, I’m really impressed that she’s so liberal and so witty and has all the inside intellectual jokes. I haven’t been so annoyed with anyone’s writing since Alan Bjerga. Net: Cringe no longer. Looks like they replaced her with some windbag white guy.
5. I hate it when people walk across University Avenue at the intersection of 15th Avenue (by the Student Bookstore) when they aren’t supposed to. Guess what everybody? There’s a green arrow for those people who are turning left onto University. Wait another five f##@%ing seconds and go when you are supposed to.
I encourage everyone to wait even if everyone else is going. Net: Civil obedience? Thoreau is spinning. I also encourage drivers to run over anyone who chooses not to wait their turn.
6. I absolutely can’t stand it when idiots feel the need to walk across the grassy parts of the Mall. Every year they have to put up a fence so people will stop walking on the grass. And every year there has to be some group of dumbasses that choose to tear it down and make a nice muddy “X” on each patch of grass. There are about 50,000 students that have about 10 acres of green grass on the entire campus. Hey, I’ve got an idea, how about we tear it all out and pave the whole f##@%ing place?! Then you could save your two seconds by walking diagonally across the cement without getting mud on your shoes and without having to see anything green. Better yet, how about we build the University in a dome, completely devoid of anything natural. Maybe we could hook it on to the Mall of America …
7. I hate living with students that can’t seem to grow up. Please, play your music as loud as you can. Throw your garbage and beer cans out onto the street and all over. Write your name and funny sayings like “f##@%” and “Hi” on every chair in every lecture hall on campus. Net: And “Turk 182.” Take seven or eight years to graduate and then go work for your rich-ass parents.
Thanks, Network. Now I can breathe normally again. Net: Easy for you to say; you just took up 15 inches of text. Sheesh — not exactly Ms. Brevity U.S.A., are you, Hell-Dawg?
PRICELESS ADVICE
From RunTimeError: Oh Sing Network, Sing of Runt0003 and the bumpy road he has travelled. Yeah, it is my senior year here in the Institute of Technology, and, looking back at my three years here (I transferred from North Hennepin) I’d have to say I’ve made a list of mistakes in life that y’all should do your best to avoid.
1. When a girl’s not interested, being persistent will only get you a restraining order, and then she’ll never go out on a date.
2. When cramming for exams, rather than smoking bowl after bowl, drink coffee. Net: If you must, we recommend doing both. Puts a whole new perspective on the day.
3. If you unwittingly commit an arson, don’t tell anybody. Net: Yeah, blame it on the cow, if you have to, heh-heh. A-HEM! (Shuffle shuffle, awkward silence) … onward.
4. If, after a weekend of raving and associated chemical pleasures, you wake up in the highway median and a state patrol guy is tapping on your car windows, the driver is in TROUBLE. Tell him you weren’t the driver.
5. Always ask that they double-lock the cuffs. Otherwise they just get tighter and tighter.
6. Posing nude and exposing yourself in general is a bad idea; just don’t do it. Net: Depends on who you’re talking to.
7. Finally, when the cops come for you … RUN.
WHERE THERE’S SMOKE
From Czar Nicholas: Hey Net and Net readers! Nyet: Get it? Czar Nicholas/Nyet? Oh forget it … Did anyone check out those drawings of a renovated Coffman in the newspaper a while back? Do they actually think those utopian images are suppose to change our minds about paying for this upgrade? Net: Earlier Networkian illumination regarding the resemblance of the “renovate Coffman” ad campaign that appeared in the Daily to communist propaganda is beginning to show startling synergy; the future “utopia,” letters from Czar Nicholas … Let’s see some sketches of people walking through, the plaza in the winter, freezing their asses, and lets see some frost on those windows also. Godd@##% if Coffman needs to be renovated, then the Art Building needs to be torn down. I was in here during the gas leak episode. If that place caught fire, wow! All that acid, oil paint, wood, turpennoid, varnish and cigarettes in addition to the leak would have made the Hindenburg look like a burp!
Net: Ha! You should’ve seen the Chicago fire! It was … we mean … we’re sure it was a real doozy … heh-heh … we’ll see you tomorrow.
