WWND (WHAT WOULDN’T NET DENOUNCE)
From Mayor Ben: A Zoobilee Zoo welcome to all! Net: Great. Captain Kangaroo meets Barney. I must thank my faithful followers for showing the student populace my ideas. Beside the banks of the Mississippi lies an important message for one and all, Net: Don’t bother throwing away those milk cartons? WWBVD. Net: What would underwear? So ask yourself next time you are faced with a troubling situation, What would Ben Vereen do? Let’s pretend, for example, you were at your parents’ home over the break. You wanted to tell them you are gay, but did not know how. Instead of slipping your Polaroids of last spring break to them, think: What would Ben Vereen do? Why, Ben would sing a song! It would go a little something like this:
I’m Gay
I’m Gay
You’ll find out
It’s all about
My coming out
I’m gay
I’m gay
I’m really really gay!
Just a thought. So remember all you Vereenians out there: WWBVD?
BASKETBALL JONES
From The Nookie Couch: As I’ve watched this year’s basketball season come and go, something profound has occurred to me. Net: the intrinsic profundity of a sphere traversing the center of a circle? Contrary to my previous beliefs, the grandest form of sports entertainment is not college basketball. Neither is it baseball, football, hockey or even bass fishing. Net: Sheesh … the bass fishing team didn’t even bait their own hooks. It is, without a doubt, professional wrestling. My roommate has been trying to convince me of this for quite some time and now I must admit, you were right, Farms. There must be some visionary in the Gophers basketball department who realized this as well and attempted to bring the excitement of the WWF to Williams Arena. How else can you explain a brawl with the Philippine All-Stars and a major cheating scandal on the eve of the main event? Net: Hey, like ol’ Jesse says, if you can’t win, cheat. Or is it, if you cheat, you can’t play … or whatever. The future is not Joel Przybilla, but rather Sexual Chocolate. March Madness just can’t compare with the exploits of Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, X-Pac and Sable. So until we see Clem tell Bobby Knight to “know your role,” or until the Gophers challenge Wisconsin to an “I Quit” match, it’s time for the Daily to forget basketball and give the WWF the coverage it deserves. Keep it natural.
AN UNUSUALLY GOLDEN GOPHER
From Manboob: Shhhh! Network, I must be stealthy, for I am typing this to you in the computer lab in the basement of Walter Library. After waiting in line for approximately four freakin’ hours, I finally got a computer. Net: Oh, we get it. You waited four hours to write us, and now you’re worried people will think you’re CRAZY. It’s bad enough that the computer I got was a Mac, Net: HEY! Some of our ancestors were Macs. Of course, we got our looks from the Commodore 64 side … but what is even worse is that I am sitting next to the Walter Lab Pervert. This is the second time it’s happened. Those who frequent this lab know who I am talking about. He’s an older guy who sits in this lab — 24/7 (it seems!) — and looks at pictures of beautiful women Net: Well, that’s not so ba … urinating. Net: GASP! He is also a big fan of message boards and chat rooms devoted to discussing the sensuality of female pissers. Net: Does he produce any witty bathroom graffiti? The first time I sat down next to him, I had no idea of his depravity. I simply glanced over to see what he was doing because I’m nosy. He immediately put his hand up as a shield over his screen, so naturally, my curiosity was piqued and I had to see what he was doing. What I saw on his screen was a rather large woman — obese, shall we say — in peach lingerie relieving herself over a cake pan. Net: You, ah … you got a pretty good look at his screen there, fella … Ya know, it’s not so bad that he digs piss, I mean, to each his or her own, right? But it’s finals time, and people have papers to type, and here is this guy gettin’ off on golden showers and rubber diapers. Net: And this other guy lookin’ over his shoulder, it seems … hmm … Sorry, just had to get this off my chest.
EYE TEE
From The Dred Pirate Roberts (Not to be confused with The Dread Teacher Roberts): The strangest thing happened to me today. After my English class in the physics building, I walked to the other side of the building to go to my intro physics (It’s a requirement. Otherwise I would not take it. YIKES!) Net: Three words: Our Changing Planet on the other side of the building. I had 10 minutes or so before class so I was going to check my e-mail in the lab in room 130. So I’m typing in my user name and password. All of a sudden I hear a beep, then a siren sounds, lights flash and before I know it two men of titanic size wearing suits and sunglasses say to me, “This computer lab is for IT students only.” They grab me and lead me to the electrical engineering building. I’m led down many flights of stairs to a small room with a large mirror on one wall. After they strap me to a bed they give me a shot of something. As I am fading out of consciousness, I see them attaching something to the temples of my head. The next thing I know I am waking up in my room and it is after 6 p.m. All I want to know is what really happened to me Net: You might have been abducted by Obsequian operatives. Do you suddenly have an urge to buy blue Columbia jackets, even though it’s getting warmer? Have you marked off July 4 as “King T Day?” and what is so important in that room that no College of Liberal Arts student can enter. This is a call to all of you proletariats in CLA, General College, the College of Education and Human Development, the School of Music, as well as any other colleges that don’t have some big fancy glass building to revolt and stop the oppression that we suffer at the hands of the hoards of the Carlson School of Management and Institute of Technology.
