From PerformanceX: I was watching Letterman on Cinco de Mayo, and it came time for the Top Ten List. The subject of his list was “Top Ten Least Popular Shows on the Discovery Channel.” Net: The Fungal Jungle? Heh heh … Actually, that one was real … And number 10 was, believe it or not, “Squirrels — Satan’s Secret Army.” I locked my doors as I began to worry even more than usual about those Warriors of the Underworld. Apparently this is a countrywide, or perhaps worldwide, conspiracy — not simply limited to our campus as I had thought. Net: They’re greedier than that. Now that I think about it, I have been seeing a lot more of those furry lizards lately. What evil could they be planning for this spring? Net: Oh, you know, building nests, chirping … the occasional abduction of smaller-statured students … They’ve already done enough subliminal sidewalk chalk messages, supposedly in support of the Minnesota Student Association and Greek Sweetheart/Queen/Porchking/etc. elections. But if you approach the writing from the wrong angle when you’re not looking directly at it, it can have a profound mood-altering effect. God, always battling Satan’s army, showered rain upon campus the last few days to wash away the chalking, just in time before we all became brainwashed by the messages. Net: Are you sure it was in time? You think about that. MAY FLOWERS
From JEM (truly outrageous): Something has been bothering me since fall, and I figured that if anyone could help, it would be a loyal Network reader. Net: Or a dermatologist. My question is this: Does anyone know what happened to the flower man? Net: We’re more interested in what happened to all the flower children … You all know who I’m talking about — that old guy who has a little flower booth next to Erbert & Gerbert’s on 15th Avenue Since August, a sign has been up in his booth that reads, “Gone to the state fare. (Yes, it says “fare.”) See you there?” And apparently, he hasn’t returned. I miss his beautiful (and cheap) flowers that have brightened many a day during my career at this University. I hate to assume the worst, but I’m guessing he hasn’t retired on his floral-sales 401K plan. So, can anyone out there in Network Land ease my worried soul? Where is the flower man?!! Net: Alas, poor flower man, we hardly knew ye.
K IS FOR KONSPIRACY
From Psycho: Network … I’m not sure if you know this or not, but I believe we have a conspiracy on our hands. Net: You got it; palm readers are a fraud! You of course remember the break-in at Moos Tower caused by the Animal Liberation Front. Net: No … but we remember the ones at the Lions Research Labs and Elliott Hall … was there another? Well, in their saint-like liberation of little furry animals, they managed to smash equipment causing thousands of dollars in damage and stole cases and cases of Ketamine. Net: Everyone note that this fact is thus far unsubstantiated. So is the rest of this alarming letter. Ketamine is a cat tranquilizer used in every animal lab in the world, but when cooked it turns into a powder that can be snorted. Also known as “K” or “Special K,” it is a dissociative and produces a sedated disconnected state in the user. Net: A wha? Hey, man, look — I’m a new kind of bus! Does anyone have a pie tin? K is common on the coasts as a new popular drug and now the stolen University K is being sold on the black market in Minneapolis. Net: Sometimes we think about rainbows, man. Like, what they’re doing and stuff. Perhaps the only real reason for the break-in was to steal the K. Perhaps the destruction of the lab and the freeing of the animals was nothing more than a cover-up for stealing the K. I hope this breaks the hearts of all the animal rights extremists who think they are so pious, but could really give a rat’s ass (no pun intended) about human rights. Realize what kind of behavior and organization you are supporting. The last time I thought about animal rights (no lie) was when someone offered me K and said, “By the way … it’s University stuff.”
From Supersonic: Amidst the scandals of our basketball team and the trashings of the Animal Liberation Front, I am making a plea to all the other slacking students like myself. To clarify, it’s all you boys and girls who slide by in classes being happy with B’s. Net: HAPPY with B’s?! Try ecstatic … The only use you get out of your textbooks is a nice, flat surface for breaking up a new sack to roll a few fatties. You only show up to the classes when you have tests or on the first day to get the syllabus. If this does not describe you, skip to the next entry. Net: Or happily accept your fate in middle-management.
All right, here it is: A Call to Arms! We need to clean up this University! We need to start a group reminiscent of the Stonecutters of Simpsons fame where our ultimate goal will be to eliminate the other slackers or even the hard workers who struggle by with C’s so we can build an ultimate union of superslackers. Instead of spending our time on the PSX or N64, we will actually study and, in extreme cases, do extra credit especially during fall semester (I’m talking next year) to set curves unattainable by our unworthy classmates. This should make many lose all hope for the second semester, which will mean easier registration and more slacking and all around laziness for our underground. Net: That’s already happening, you silly rabbit; it’s called C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-M …AND FINALLY, SOME LOVELY PROSE:
I saw this girl today,$20 says she is in a sororitykhaki slacksfrightfully white sneakersevidence of multiple styling productssurfaces in each meticulously perfect strandbrands are of highest importanceas her nose points skywardsilent wisps of Clairol as she passes