Pop culture compass

A guide to the glittery waters of media.

PHOTO COURTESY ARISTA RECORDS

Ashley Goetz

PHOTO COURTESY ARISTA RECORDS

In the absence of the dearly departed Holla Backlash (who, rest assured, is just taking an extended tropical vacation with a big stack of gossip magazines), A&E knows that the general campus population yearns for a guide to that torrid, turbid sea of pop cultural tides. And itâÄôs a messy ocean indeed, from âÄúJon and Kate + 8âÄù to anchorman Brian Williams requesting happy stories and back. Well, have no fear; weâÄôre here to help! ItâÄôs Britney, bitch, and after five years preparing for total world domination (read: touring) in support of her stellar album âÄúCircus,âÄù Ms. Spears will be performing here on April 3, and duh, itâÄôs going to be a circus âÄî literally. If you can sit through some awful warbling from her opener âÄî the inexplicably popular Pussycat Dolls âÄî be prepared to participate in Circus Spears, complete with acrobats, fire stunts and one very sexy ringmaster. Anna Wintour, editor -in-chief of American âÄúVogue âÄú has hopped on the âÄúTwilightâÄù bandwagon and stuck its author, Stephenie Meyer , within the debatably chic magazineâÄôs pages wearing a Carolina Herrera dress and discussing Edward Cullen, her vampiric creation whoâÄôs stolen the hearts of teenagers and their mothers alike. In the interview, which is about as dry and boring as most âÄúVogueâÄù pieces are, Meyer admits sheâÄôs âÄústill an amateurâÄù writer, but donâÄôt tell her legions of fans that! WTF are Kelly ClarksonâÄôs stylists, songwriters and managers thinking? First, we were confronted with a painted-up Lolita-esque tart of a Kelly suggestively licking a lollipop on the cover for her new single, âÄúMy Life Would Suck without You,âÄù and now we learn that KelâÄôs next choice is a little ditty called âÄúI Do Not Hook Up .âÄù What happened to the âÄúrockâÄù Kelly of times bygone? KellyâÄôs previous effort, the lackluster âÄúMy December,âÄù barely sold, so in Music Industryland, that translates to âÄúpour on the makeup!âÄù Oprah WinfreyâÄôs done the unthinkable. No, she hasnâÄôt chosen a Nicolas Sparks novel for her book club, and she hasnâÄôt started planning a multi-billion dollar wedding to Stedman. Oprah finally put someone else on the cover of her eponymous magazine, âÄúO.âÄù Well, take that back. OprahâÄôs still on the cover, but sheâÄôs alongside the gorgeous, bare-armed first lady of the United States of America, Michelle Obama. Two âÄúOsâÄù are better than one! In reality TV news, both Jewel and Nancy OâÄôDell (of âÄúAccess HollywoodâÄù) have had to drop out of âÄúDancing with the StarsâÄù due to injuries before the season has even started. The two Minnesota contestants, Casey Carlson and Jesse Langseth, failed to advance on âÄúAmerican Idol,âÄù but they represented our fair state pretty well. âÄúThe BachelorâÄù stunned the nation by breaking up with one girl for the other six weeks later âÄî infuriating âÄúThe ViewâÄôsâÄù Elisabeth Hasselbeck in the process. (She wore a veil to watch the finale! Desperate much?) Tyra BanksâÄô brainchild âÄúTop ModelâÄù is now in its 1,000th cycle and still has yet to introduce the world to the next Cindy Crawford. ABC has finally answered the prayers of legions and cancelled âÄúAccording to JimâÄù after eight seasons. Yeah, thatâÄôs right, âÄúAccording to JimâÄù was still airing. It was on for eight seasons, and âÄúArrested DevelopmentâÄù didnâÄôt even make it to four. Sometimes the world is not fair. Miley CyrusâÄôs memoir/autobiography âÄúMiles to GoâÄù (in Hollywood, 16-year-olds can write autobiographies, especially when theyâÄôre Disney superstars who date 21-year-olds and describe themselves as âÄúhardcoreâÄù Christians) is full of âÄúJ-14âÄù worthy tidbits dishing about her romance with Nick Jonas (referred to as âÄúPrince CharmingâÄù throughout the book) way back in 2006, and also spills the beans about the âÄúbullyingâÄù she went through in junior high. Be prepared for its Nobel Prize win.