Mall preachers save record number of souls

by Jake Kapsner

Preachers stocked up record numbers of college converts during the 1997-98 season, according to Biblethumpers Inc., a Midwestern religious think tank.
“We, I mean they, claimed anywhere from five to 5,000 souls for Jesus at the University alone,” a spokesman for Biblethumpers Inc. said.
Local celebrity Brother Flashback thanked God for the statistics. He then warned Satan to keep his hands off the University, and warned University students to keep their hands off themselves.
“You kids with your masturbation and your drugs and your rock and roll and your masturbation: You’re going to hell.”
Larger doses of fear and intimidation were two top reasons cited for this year’s success.
One converted student said the experience was like finding a divine message in a bottle.
“It’s very neat, it’s very clean, and frankly, the preachers scare the hell out of me,” the convert said.
“I’ve been stupid, so very stupid,” exclaimed another convert while rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
But others are less steadfast in their conviction.
“The preachers are almost religious in their uncompromising attitudes,” a physics major noted between chess moves on the Mall.
Many students wait with bated, blasphemous breath each year when evangelists return to campus for the spring season, which runs from March to June.
The Mall ministers preach their popular blend of hellfire and damnation to handfuls, sometimes hundreds, of sinners who gather closely in circles to listen.
Some students fight eye for eye in retorted rants with the preachers. Some pose theological questions, and others are led like lambs to slaughter.
Individual preachers racked up notable statistics for top Mall performances again this year at the Biblethumpers Inc. annual Hell Shock Awards, where they released a new line of apparel and Bible trading cards.
The award for most confirmed conversions — three — went to the Rev. Leslie Downer.
Brother Ben There led preachers in the Hook-Em-With-Whatever-Ya-Got category for consistently spellbinding students with references to his college days — days he filled with illicit sex and LSD.
Master-ranter Brother Flashback got an honorable Fear of God Award for inciting students to laughter, tears and illness.
“We’re not here to judge; we’re here to condemn,” Deacon said.