Shut up and stick that stalk of corn right back in your yuppy mouth!

by Rebecca Lang

Anyone who’s ever drank a can of Coke in another country knows that sugar tastes better than corn syrup, but we Americans seem to find sugar more often in packet form. It might be that as a nation we’re better at growing corn than sugarcane (we do have ample amounts of Midwest), but I’m no expert. I’m only here to make fun of the stupid corn syrup awareness ads. The first one I saw went like this: A girl and her slightly beer-bellied boyfriend sit on a picnic blanket. The girl has jumped the gun and already started eating, her chosen snack being a red popsicle. Sensing her boyfriend’s boredom, she sticks it in his face and offers him some. “I thought you loved me,” he says, indignant. The girl is shocked, but challenges him to explain why corn syrup is bad. He is inarticulate, and she gives mock bad reasons that are actually good, like, “it’s safe in moderation? It has the same calories as sugar?” The guy, ashamed, finally consents and sucks the popsicle. The other ads feature a couple boys (I would assume brothers) eating breakfast together and one challenging his brother for offering him such dangerous c-syrupy cereal. The offering brother mocks his ignorance and calls him rude. In the third, two moms are pouring what lookes like Kool-Aid for a bunch of hyper children. One says passive agressivley, “Wow, you don’t care what your kids eat, do you?” and the same exact scenario occurs. The problem with these ads is that the creators missed some obvious opportunities for accuracy. For example, their depiction of the type of people who are worried about corn syrup is way off. Maybe the last uppity mom is right on, but I highly doubt that slightly chubby straight men would challenge their loved ones about corn syrup. Plus, two brah-y brothers would never embarrass themselves in front of their buddies by refusing cereal that has corn syrup in it. I mean, they looked like the kind of people who just woke up with a slight weed/beer hangover. I know I’m talking about stereotypes, but adverstising traffics in stereotypes, so when they eff up, it just seems pointless. Another mistake in their depiction is always leaving the corn syrup-refuser inarticulate. Let me tell you, super organic health-conscious yuppies are very argumentative, and usually at least somewhat articulate. The last problem for me is their choice of objectionable food. I mean, a popsicle? Those have like forty calories. They’re small time compared to say, Mountain Dew Livewire. The only ok part is the Sweet Surprise graphic at the end. It’s just a stalk of corn wrapped in blue graphic-y material. They should have just flashed that on the screen and let people who give a crap go to the website. I’m going to go drink some nutra-sweet filled pop now. Adieu.