Net: OK, OK, so in …

Net: OK, OK, so in a couple of days, (July 4, according to Netstradamus) the King of Terror is to descend, release hoards of Obsequian troops and operatives and generally wreak havoc on the entire planet. This would sort of spoil everyone’s weekend.
But Citizen‘s best efforts have shown a marked decrease in Obsequian behavior and presence; King T himself is nowhere to be found. Encampments have been deserted, and no activity has been detected on the North Ridge. The child, it is said, is days away from discovering the Number Prime, and the Commodore 64 is at full power.
Take caution, Networkians. King T is ruthless and furtive. The NITWIT coalition is preparing for an invasion nonetheless.
In the coming days, we will be ending such transmissions, and bring you regularly scheduled letters and rants. Good morrow, Networkians; good luck.
OO! OO! NEW PROGRAMS!
From Barren von monkey man: I have decided to get my requests for new programs to be fit into the University budget out early this year. Net: The regents met Monday. You’re too late. I figured hey, what better place to send them then the only part of the paper everybody reads: i.e., Net. Net: OK, OK … we’ll see what we can do …
No. 1: The Weisman shall be painted blaze orange, so it will again be very noticeable. Net: Throw some racing stripes on it and it’ll look like a ’69 Camaro SS. Cool!
No. 2: The Coffman renovation is to include a permanent crane atop the building. Net: What, for bungee jumping?
No. 3: The stoplights on Washington Avenue shall be sped up so to accommodate a drag racing program that Metro Transit buses will begin in September 2000.
No. 4: Every window on the Campus Connectors shall have its own fixed side-view mirror.
No. 5: Two more decks shall be added to the Washington Avenue Bridge; the top shall include large oak trees and two helicopter landing sites.
No. 6: The University Bookstores shall be granted liquor licenses during slow periods at the middle of the quarter and finals weeks to boost revenue. Net: $48 for a six-pack; you can return the bottles for $8. We like it.
MY GLASSES! HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GLASSES? I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING WITHOUT MY GLASSES!
— THELMA
From Zibit: OK Daily Dudes, Net: We are not ‘dudes.’ And what’s this … ‘daily’? I know you are the only ones that can help me with this … Some schmuck left their reading glasses on a concrete bench at the University Avenue bus stop (heading west) by Northrop Mall. Net: They were miraculously cured by a wandering ‘non-denominational’ org. evangelist, and won’t be needing them any longer. Praise Jesus! If they contact you could you pleeeeease give this forgetful person my e-mail to contact me so I don’t have to look after them anymore. Thanks oh helpful ones …
HAWKING UP
From Phlegm of Discontent: At last, with the installation of the precious co-axial cable at my new place of residence, my plans can finally come to fruition. Naturally, my plans involve sitting in front of the TV and watching “South Park,” “Dexter’s Lab” or the “Simpsons.” Net: Don’t forget about the (wavy but still alluring) naughty channel 45. This summer will be interesting, as I am sharing a house with five other guys, at least three of whom have aspirations of world domination. Net: You shouldn’t concentrate that much ambition under one roof. Who’s gonna be the dishes lackey? I wonder if there is a correlation between geekiness and megalomania. And if so, does that make Hitler a geek? Net: No computers back then. I can almost imagine a young Hitler getting beat up for his lunch money by Jewish jocks. Now that I don’t have any classes to sleep in, I can spend more time in the lab teasing the little animals and building my doomsday device. And my little side project of putting more asbestos into buildings is going well. Now, if I can get my paycheck, I can have a barbecue before heading off on another of my hedonistic forays. Don’t wait up!
SO MAD
From Mofo: This is to Pixee the stupid who insists on spelling words a different way than they are supposed to be. Net: Not this again … What are you trying to do? Be cute? The letter probably took you twice as long because you went through the whole thing replacing all the s’, f’s, and k’s with z’s, ph’s, and ch’s. There might be more, but I didn’t want to waste my time reading over your stupid letter more times than one. Another thing, why would anyone return your damn keys and U Card when you call them an @$$##ole in your last paragraph? Huh? You stupid ass. I know if I had your s##!+, I would piss on them after I threw them into the street. Net: Have you ever been to anger counseling? Would you like us to set you up?
I usually don’t reply to anything I read here, but you just pissed me off. Net: Your house is very clean. Onward.
CALLING ALL CARS … CALLING ALL CARS …
From Oasis: Hello Network. I have found the connection between the campus police, who make it their goal in life to ticket people, and the Mafia; THE CAMPUS POLICE IS THE MAFIA!! Net: Good; now we can expect some efficiency and protection from them. Besides, it’ll make a helluva good book. Let me explain. The Mafia is known to exploit people into giving them their money. The campus police exploit students by ticketing them left and right in order to screw us over and take our money. (They have a quota you know.) The Mafia constantly denies any connection with any of their wrongdoings. The campus police have yet to take responsibility for any of the parking problems at this university. Net: Ever heard of Parking and Transportation Services? Or maybe they’re just another “family.” The Mafia is somehow able to constantly break the law without getting in trouble. How many times have we seen cops parked illegally and how often do cops go over the speed limit?! Net: Every time they’re chasing bad guys?