A political spinner, Humphrey’s the winner

In honor of Bulworth, the best movie of the year, I’m going to change my column, please try not to jeer.
By next week I’ll be done with this rhyming urge, but first I have some politics I need to purge.
In August I volunteered at the Humphrey Campaign. Stuffing envelopes was inane, the hours a pain and the people were nice, if not slightly insane.
As a volunteer I waved in the Rice street parade, I even smiled at the drunks in their love serenade.
By October my schedule was too busy and I had to quit, but they kept on calling ’til my mother had a fit.
They wanted my money, they wanted my time. With tuition and a sick cat, I couldn’t spare a dime.
I finally picked up the phone because I had to crack the whip. I said, “I ain’t got the money so give it up Skip!”
Norm, Skip and Jesse are the players in the game. No color, no women, they all look the same.
Pick the lesser of evils and shake your hips, to the rhythm of democracy – now read my lips:
Jesse Ventura was once a wrestling pro, his children went to public schools – he wants you to know. Ventura is a candidate in the party of reform; Humphrey is hoping he’ll take votes away from Norm.
Ventura needs a loan cause he’s running low on dough, but he was turned down by Texas billionaire Ross Perot.
Who knows if we’ll ever see his bald head on the TV screen, perhaps he can stand on his policies alone – and run clean.
When it comes to carrying a concealed gun, Jesse and Norm are as tight as the neck of a nun.
Ventura was the mayor of Brooklyn Park, then he was denied a gun and left out in the dark.
It’s made him bitter toward gun control laws, so he’s taken to sulking and clenching his jaws.
Norm Coleman’s reasons are slightly more sinister; he’s a republican puppet of politics to minister.
Norm’s favorite movie is currently “The Godfather.” When asked why, he didn’t hesitate to bother.
“He knows how to take care of his friends and his enemies,” Norm said. I could almost hear the slap of advisers hands to their heads.
I’m sorry if I make Mayor Coleman look like a bad guy, it’s just that he’s as slick as an oil drum wearing a tie.
I saw him debating on Almanac; he looked on the verge of a heart attack.
Norm’s face was pale and his hair was thinning, and I wondered if he was up all night worried about winning.
Maybe he’s stressed cause St. Paul is $90 million in the hole; all that risky business can really take its toll.
But that won’t matter to some of the people who vote. Norm got us a hockey team and now he can gloat.
Someone named the team the Minnesota Wild. Now that’s what I call a lame brain child.
No wonder Norm doesn’t support “Profile of Learning” in schools; he’s stuck on adjectives, nouns and basic language rules.
Last week the St. Paul city council met, their agenda had been seriously set.
They were deciding where to put the poor families in downtown St. Paul; low income housing, preferably something with a wall.
A pregnant woman, homeless, tried to stand tall, while children in winter coats jammed the hall.
Mayor Norm Coleman had a lot of gall. He never showed. He didn’t call. Nice to know the mayor’s on the ball.
Humphrey and Coleman both vow to lower taxes; they bicker and argue and wield political axes.
Coleman ran attack ads on the day Skip’s mother died. “Coleman wants to kill the family farm,” Humphrey cried. Norm throws a temper tantrum and swears that Skip lied.
It’s hard to believe the two were once friends, surely this relationship will never be on the mends.
I wonder if Humphrey ever regrets the day he gave young Norm a job and started him on his crooked way.
I guess it happens sometimes with proteges. The defense of marriage act says `no’ to wedding gays, the message is clear – Minnesota doesn’t accept homo ways.
Jesse and Skip both promise to sign the repeal; they have gay friends, they know the real deal. However, Norm wants to remain a conservative heel.
Skip and Jesse also agree not to use vouchers in schools, they feel that public education is an “in the rough” jewel.
Smaller class sizes, more teachers and arts – Norm thinks of education like a game of darts.
Except if he misses the bull’s-eye too many times, he’ll switch games, then funding for private schools climbs. And the light from Governor Arne Carlson shines.
Carlson and Coleman are two peas in a pod, the only possible glitch is when they realize they’re not God.
When it comes to Ojibwe hunting and fishing, the questions are often dodged. Pinning them down on this issue can be a “thorn in your side” lodged.
All three candidates would like to get their hands on casino money, but the law says it’s off limits, forever and ever, so give up the loophole, honey.
They want to be close to the tribe when the profits are high; if poverty reigned, believe me, politicians wouldn’t pry.
In the sovereign nation of the reservation Indians never entice, but with several million and possibly billion, all candidates favor wild rice.
So pick a card, any card, or the lesser of evils will do; politicians aren’t saints but it’s best to choose the closest to.
Mayor Norm needs to finish his legacy in the St. Paul city. Jesse can put him in a headlock if the turnout is worse than shitty.
Me, I’m going to vote for the man who won the state $6.1 billion in the tobacco trials: Humphrey, whose commercials never made me switch dials.
You don’t have to agree with me, that’s what makes America great, on the other hand I certainly hope you take the bait —
Get out and vote on November third, otherwise you can’t mumble a single word.
No complaining, no bitching and absolutely no rhyming, I’m going to end while I still have my timing.
Shannon Scott’s column appears every Thursday. Send comments to: [email protected]