Net: Fresh from ou…

Net: Fresh from our KQ meltdown, we offer several letters for your reaction.

From Robosquirrel: I decided to take a break from scraping at the wall with a rock hammer behind my Rita Hayworth poster to participate in some mindless chatter. Net: Excellent. Tell Morgan Freeman ‘Hi!’ from us.
First, your comments on Chris Columbus: What’s wrong with genocide? Net: We don’t know — some Cambodian said it was a bad idea. That’s what we squirrels are planning for the student body. Or “bodies,” I should say … MUAHAHAHAHA!!! By the way, do you like how my new Yudof-Borg 2000 wrote in to Network? We’ve almost got all the bugs worked out. Net: A clever attempt to take credit, Robosquirrel, but we checked the source. The Yudof letter was legit.
Second, Che: Who’s that? Net: An odd question from a purported revolutionary. You must have ALMOST all the bugs worked out.
Third, KQRS: They’ll be the first of the narrow-minded doorknobs with their back against the wall when the revolution comes. Net: Hasta la victoria siempre! The music plays like a best of the ’60s album, and the DJ’s are not funny. Not even a little bit. “Funny” is a subjective term, however, and what a bionically enhanced squirrel thinks is funny is not what a cave-dwelling Neanderthal thinks is funny. (*GRUNT* Fire bad! Fire bad! Kill Hmong and gays good! *picks lice off neighbor*)
Fourth, Monday’s PSA: If you have Catherine I. Shannon’s ID card, Net: Catherine! Catherine! Can you hear us!? it’s very easy to find her online or in the student directory. The Man has you all logged and filed for when he needs to twist your arm a bit, make the system work against you or fit you with a pair of cement galoshes.
Remember, evil knows evil, kids. Net: And have a nice day.

From Sarah Jacobson: Hey, for anyone (including the Daily staff and any random young Marxist in his/her first political science class) who feels the need to expose the extremely boring and cookie cutter opinions they picked up from the polls on the evening news regarding the president, can I just say, “Do not open your mouth and trick me for even a split second into thinking you have something important and/or original to say on the subject when you’re just going to spew a bunch of crap about how the rest of the world thinks we’re idiots.” Net: Wow. You got all that in one breath? There’s a career in politics for you, Sarah.
Yeah well, I don’t think we want to take advice on how to conduct our government from places where women can win elections by flashing their tits and where a David Hasselhoff album can be traded for a month’s worth of meals. Net: Might you be slurring our Mediterranean friends? Forget politics — book her on KQ! Next …

From Trademark: I can’t believe that Stern About Unions feels “Unions have long outlived their usefulness,” and “unions today are not about fair wages and fair benefits; they are about greed.” I hope Stern never falls onto hard times and has to work in a non-union factory making half as much as a union laborer. I also hope that wherever Stern works after graduation, the “company” doesn’t decide to take away any overtime, double time or holiday pay, because there would be nothing Stern could do about it.
Finally, I hope that Stern‘s company doesn’t decide to have mandatory overtime, like many of the local factories do, where he is working 80 hours a week to keep his job and food on the table for the family.
I suggest Stern go to any local factory during contract negotiations and see how “greedy” these unions are. They want the workers to have time off work to watch their children grow up (‘cuz many times, people work 12 hours a day, seven days a week while work is in season); and if the workers can’t get the time off, the union fights to keep overtime pay high (how much money is your free time worth, Stern?). Lastly, the union wants their workers to have cost-of-living wage increases yearly.
Without the union I know of, a company full of people would have lost all of these things if it hadn’t been for their union representatives.
Maybe before someone makes such a strong statement like that, they should take a walk in someone else’s shoes. Remember, there are more things to the labor union than what the media decides to cover.
Long Live Teamsters!

From Matt: I’m tired of students writing to you guys (Network) with supposed true stories of squirrel encounters. Net: Wait ’til Fox gets the broadcast rights. “Tonight! On, ‘True Stories of Squirrel Encounters!’ a run-in with — THE ALBINO REVOLUTIONARY!” Everyone knows they’re only freshmen wanting to get posted in the only publication that’s taken seriously on campus. Net: Unfortunately, all the Penthouse mail keeps coming to us. Given another year on campus, they’ll be tired of the same old “squirrel army” shit the rest of us are tired of.
No one has evidence of battalions of squirrels. HELLO!!!!! Welcome to the real world, people! It’s called INSTINCT and HUNGER that forces these squirrels to swarm campus in search for food before winter strikes.
HOWEVER, that’s not to say that there is no leader of the squirrels. I would like to submit a picture of the One True Squirrel. Net: You and the mall preachers. I will NOT be responsible for any religion that forms around this picture or the existence of this squirrel. Denying any responsibility does not mean that I will not accept the role of a prophet or even a saint. My name is Matt, and I have a couple of friends and colleagues who will take money, burnt offerings and/or blood sacrifices in the name of the One True Squirrel. Net: Wow. Most people just give flowers to the One. I will not answer any questions (direct or indirect) about the nature of this squirrel or whether I have any direct communication with Him.