ARE WE NOT NET?
From Eager Evil Beaver: Dear Net, Bite me. Net: It goes on from there, but frankly, we are quite offended. Try again, Beav.
From john_holmes: Dearest Daily, Net: What the hell? How dare you address us by the name of that fish-wrap? We are NETWORK. Take a lesson from these idiots, Networkia. Getting on Net’s side isn’t just a good idea: it’s an absolute necessity.
From mad cow: Well, hello… I have read another funny and absolutely thought provoking Network and thought, why don’t I write these guys? So here I sit at my computer contemplating exactly what to write. I thought I’d start by saying the tacos are on their way! Net: Finally, a letter worth reading! I am going to be a freshman … Net: We spoke too soon. Now before you jump on that, I am probably older than you guys … Net: Did all of the freaks get together to write to us today?! I want to comment on the orientation process that all freshmen are dragged through every year.
The programs are geared for a younger crowd. I thought at the outset of this embarkation I would learn something about college. Net: True? Not true. Net: Oh. They kept talking about the “real world” as a scary place that you never want to go to. Net: They did have some pretty close calls in Hawaii. Then there was the wonderfully performed Rogers and Hammerstein musical presentation of: Sex, Drugs, Alcohol and Other Campus Issues. Net: What other issues? It was another attempt at making a mountain out of a molehill, or so I thought. To my surprise, the youth at this function didn’t realize campus life is full of these issues. But even though they heard these issues, they didn’t take them to heart. They will be the first victims of this campus. Net: It’s a tradition around here. The scary “real world” has these problems, too, but not nearly as bad! So good luck to all those who attended orientation! Network, please get the word out that they need to design an orientation for older people. Net: You dare tell us what to do? Also those tacos should be arriving shortly. Net: Aw, we can’t stay mad at you!
BUSINESSASUSUAL
To PrincessLea From The Phone Bank Princesses: As one of the “incompetent” students that works in the athletics ticket office, Net: It makes our job so much easier when they labelthemselves like that. More time for listnin’ ta Def Leppard. Now, if we could get paid for that … it is highly unlikely the incident you wrote about ever happened. Are you sure you called the ticket office and not Ticketmaster? I’m sure if you asked us to check on something, we would have checked on it for you. The three of us that answer the phones know when the student hockey tickets go on sale. Net: So tell us. You’re right. It is a simple question, why would we not know the answer? Net: Who cares, just tell us. They go on sale at the same time they have for the last 10 years. Net: You’ve been babbling enough, you better know the answer! To answer your question here and to save you and anyone else that is interested the inconvenience of dealing with the “inconsiderate” and “incompetent” people that work here: Net: Antici … pation. There will be applications in the Daily the first week of classes, so you can fill one out, mail it in, and enjoy watching your favorite forward on the hockey team. Net: But that involves effort!

From Deskbitch Hater: Next, I’d like to clear some things up. St. Thomas sucks. Net: There really wasn’t any confusion on that issue in the first place. I hate SUVs and I would live on campus if I could afford it. Did you know that South Minneapolis is cheaper (and a lot nicer) than Dinkytown? Net: That’s weird. Weird. Net: We know, we said that. I play racquetball sometimes. It’s really fun. Sometimes I even sweat! And, Missther Enforcer, I’m sorry I can’t get to the Rec in time to be there for a full hour. Jeepers, some of us have “real jobs.” Net: Like answering the Rec Center phones. I don’t want to be the one that gets his smack down. It’s nasss-T. I guess I’m just lucky I can afford to pour the slurpy on him. I think they’re only about a dollar. That fits into my budget. Thank you, Missther Enforcer, for assuming that I’m smart enough to retain knowledge from my computer to the Rec! You’re very considerate. Net: It’s a love/hate relationship.
Net, one Net: Just one? more thing. Isn’t it kind of hypocritical of Mr. Enforcer to write to you, too? I wonder if he knows I’ve written Network before. Net: Yeah, watch us mind-read, or something.
NET-VET’S VENT
From Obi: Is it really already the end of July, Net? Where the hell did my summer go! Net: We sold it on e-Bay. If you really wanted it, you could have bid. But you didn’t, so tough. In less then a month I get to go drag my sorry ass off to some training camp where they will teach me how to be culturally diverse and how to identify drunk students from clueless froshies. Net: Is it one of those boot camps to rehabilitate disobedient children, like on Jerry Springer? The even sadder part is I signed up willingly and even went through a whole slew of interviews just to do this. Net: Oh, you’re talking about “Survivor” tryouts at Rosedale. Of course I get to act as supreme dictator for a whole floor of hapless students, Net: You’re the new Editor in Chief at the Daily? and I get free room and board. Net: We all sleep here, anyway. I guess everything has a price then, even my soul (going cheap, call now!). Net: The high bid on your summer was a buck. We’re not expecting much more for your soul.
On a separate note, would you all just shut up about the damn Rec Center? Of course if you want to talk about showering with a bunch of sweating hotties, then go right ahead. If you print it, they will come (and no that isn’t a pun, you sickos!). Net: Pun, what pun, we don’t … Ooooh, tee-hee, how funny.
Weekend. Someone make sure to wake us up by Tuesday …