Net: Letters abou…

Net: Letters about bikes, letters about cars — letters about everything but squirrels (thank God) dominate today’s Net. People throughout the University are rising and pondering the question first posed by American Poet Axl Rose — “Where do we go now?” We know not. But we know another week and fresh topics are upon us. Come on in!
From Captain America: Ahhh, to write a letter to the one and only, most fantastic, only good thing about the Daily, NETWORK! Net: Such an honor, indeed — and we’re running your letter first! So, what was your first time in Network like. Just a reply to Bixter’s stupid, unresearched letter about us “people (who) are still stupider than meat” — winter bicyclists. Get a major clue, Bix baby! The only way a bike can be the death of oneself is if one can’t ride a bike (can you Bix?), or if one of the many idiots in cars who think they own the road (NEWS FLASH! bicyclists have just as much right to the lane they are in as cars or motorcycles — and when passing, we must be given at least 3 feet).
There are a multitude of products available to make winter biking safer. Net: Just ask Dr. Date. Go to most local bike stores and ask about winter products, and they will show you different styles of studded and traction-grabbing tires — not to mention tire chains! Net: Like we said, ask Dr. Date. Then you went on to mention that we could fall on our behinds, possibly breaking our jaw? Net: Perhaps he was simply projecting what he feared bikers would do to him when they read his letter. Try riding a completely winterized bike sometime, and you’ll see how we manage to ride in the winter. Maybe you’re just too lazy to ride instead of walk, or can’t afford a bike because you own a car. Net: That would imply that cars are cheaper. What do you think he rides, a used Yugo? But don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it! Wake up!

From Lil Milton: I can’t believe someone wrote in claiming that it’s too dangerous to ride a bike in the wintertime! Net: Yeah — why don’t they write about, like, skiing or something. And the beat goes on … In reality it’s much safer than walking.
When you walk on ice, each foot must stop and start again with each step — not that easy to do on ice. Net: Especially Bud Ice. But a bike’s wheels roll, and so there isn’t this stop/start action. Net: Just a meandering momentum toward imminent death. And everyone knows that it’s the angular momentum (or centrifugal force or gyroscopic something, I forget) Net: Right. Everyone knows … of the wheels that keep a bike in motion upright. Given a choice between the two modes of transport over frozen surfaces, and with my personal safety in mind, I’d much rather bike. It’s simple physics.
Net: On last week’s proposal to add a “Car Talk” section to Network, we had …
From Butt-head: As dumb as it may sound, I think a Car Talk section on the Daily’s back page would be cool. Put Dr. Date in A&E exclusively, and use the room for “NITWIT on Cars.” And does anyone else notice that Walter Library smells like piss?

From Beer Bong Girl: If there’s one thing the Net needs, it would be a party announcement section Net: Yeah. We could print it the same day as the crime box. It would make the U Police job much more efficient, long before we need Car Talk. Net: Thanks, Beer Bong and Butt-head, for your suggestions. As the Mayflower Madam once said to her temp workers, keep ’em coming.
From Lovely Rita: Hi, Network and readers. Net: Hi. This doesn’t really qualify as a gripe or a rant or any of the other perturbed/paranoid narratives that are usually on this page, but I need to thank someone who is as yet anonymous to me. Last Wednesday, I was in the Civil Engineering Building for a class. I left my wallet in the building, and although I could have easily retraced my steps shortly afterward and found it, I didn’t discover it gone until I returned to my apartment.
I raced back to the building, parked illegally, and then frantically searched all the places where I could possibly have left it. Soon, nearly in tears, I was on the verge of admitting to myself that I had permanently lost a fairly large sum of money (especially for a college student) and about 800 forms of identification that would be a large pain to replace.
I went to the department office housed in the building, where two extremely nice receptionists told me that the wallet had been returned by someone who didn’t leave her name. I thanked the receptionists profusely but am unable to thank or reward the woman who returned my wallet. If the Powers That Be at Network could locate lost items, they might be able to locate finders, too. Regardless, I would like to express my extreme gratitude … Net: Hello, hello — is anybody out there? If you are the said Good Samaritan, give us a line, and we’ll set up the reunion (Gee. It looks like we’re running out of space. Good thing we cut out the part about the pickax).
And finally …

From The Texas Ambassador: I just have one question for Mick: Where the hell is Burma? Net: There was an entire symposium on it last week — we bet folks there would have told you. And if you couldn’t make it, there are these cool things called maps, you see … I didn’t know your country had a state by that name. The people here in the Texas Republic Net: Founded in Waco, April 1993 aren’t aware of their plight. Do they have any professional sports teams? Net: Nope. Not even the Burma Oilers. Just a lot of suffering, and a lot of deaf ears. Have a nice day.