Jocks sell cookies and cakes to raise money!

by Chester Freemont

Hulks of men gathered around a folding table in the entrance of the Gibson-Nagurski football complex peddling their wares:
And cakes and pies and sweet breads they baked at home and brought to the fund-raising event.
As of noon Thursday they, had raised $55 dollars, enough for a sixteenth-page advertisement in the Daily World News.
“We are trying to raise enough money to save the reputation of our own,” the old jocks said.
On Wednesday, the Daily World News learned former governor Arne Carlson actually hired former men’s basketball coach Clem Haskins.
“Arne has gotten a bad rap by the media for this whole basketball scandal thing and we need to clear the record,” said Mark Dienhart, former University men’s athletics director. “But that costs money.”
Fortunately, men’s athletics knows how to successfully run a big business, he added.
Dienhart joined hands with John Blanchard, McKinley Boston, Jeff Schoemann, Alonzo Newby and Jeff Schemmel as they sang the Gopher rouser “M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A” in mismatched tones. A few stumbled on the letters.
The group dressed very snazzy for the occasion. Dienhart sported a fresh haircut and a spiffy tie. Newby’s imported shoes made him stand out from the crowd. And Schemmel showed off a new hairdo and designer makeup he said was advertised for men in Sports Illustrated.
Newby, who has been absent from the University campus for a year, brought cranberry-pecan bread. “It’s a recipe I copied off the Internet,” he said proudly.
Schoemann glowed as he showed off his offering. “I call it compliance pie.”
Haskins’ attorney sent a letter on behalf of his client supporting the cause. Apparently Haskins was busy preparing for an interview with the feds and couldn’t make the shindig.
Schemmel said they’d considered signing a letter with everyone’s name but decided against it.
The Daily has learned that Kool-Aid was served out of a little pink jug found in a closet at the football facility and cake was cut with an ax they stole from a women’s sports facility.
“Bake sales are the way to go,” Dienhart said as he poured a glass for himself. “You see women’s athletics holding them all of the time, and see how much money they have?”
Only one University student stopped at the event. Former women’s studies major Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle said the food was OK, but what he really craved was Burger King and walked away.
Carlson’s reputation apparently was irreparably harmed after the Daily learned that he signed the letter for hiring the former basketball coach and paid him cash for his first month of work.
“I was in no way involved with that, and I take offense to any such insinuation. I will publicly make certain that the false accusations are dealt with,” Carlson said to the first reporter he could grab on the street.
“My reputation has been harmed,” he said, flailing his arms in protest. “I love the University. Didn’t you see my portrait at the state Capitol in my letter jacket?”
The Daily World News has learned that Carlson grabbed the reporter’s shirt and groveled. “Run my side of the story,” he said.
The reporter ran.
Star Tribune columnist Sid Hartman reportedly got caught in the mess.
Hartman initially pointed his finger in another direction. “I have inside information that it was Chris Voelz who hired Haskins,” he said.
But later, in an exclusive Daily World News interview, Hartman revealed the Pioneer Press published an archived story in which he had praised Carlson for the coach’s appointment.
Once confronted with the facts of his past, Hartman said, “It never was my intention to say anything bad about men’s athletics, err, I mean my close personal friend Arne.”
University President Mark Yudof stopped by to show administrative support for the men’s efforts but was disappointed at the selection of the baked goods.
“Look at that, that cake frosting is lumpy and those cookies are decorated with mustard and ketchup rather than frosting,” Yudof said.
The men hung their heads.
Yudof left in a huff to Perkins for some decent pastries and pancakes. On the way he said, “They are never going to raise enough money to undo this one, but don’t print that.”
The men’s athletics supporters said in a formal statement they will continue the bake sale throughout finals week or at least until they reach their $1.5 million goal.
“We need to stand up for the wrongs that have been done,” Dienhart said.

Chester covers University bake sales and any event with free food. Comments, recipes and exclusive tabloid interview offers are welcomed.