Net: Good selection of random crap today. Can you handle this wiggy funk? We think not Á
DERP?
From IDGAF: “Here be the yarrest river-going vessel in the bay. Yar, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Hey there Network. I believe every entry should begin with a good Simpsons quote. Net: “Don’t have a cowabunga, dude” Now that the faithful followers of Network have provided helpful suggestions as to where on campus one might fully enjoy making love, masturbating, and defecating, Net: All at the same time I have a few more quandaries. Where, might I ask, is the best location to blow one’s nose here at the U? Net: Coffman I think this is a valid question that may pose fruitful for all who suffer from nasal congestion. Where would be the best place to apply hemorrhoid cream to one’s swollen ass? Net: At your mom’s house Where would be the best place to give birth to a child? Net: We’re gonna go out on a limb here and say center ice at Mariucci Methinks on top one of the numerous crane towers that are erected around this forsaken campus. Net: No, that is where you are supposed to defecate off of It would give a whole new colorful connotation to “Rock-a-bye baby …” Where, for the love of Pete (Townsend), would be the best place to ponder the positive uses of antimatter in relation to quantum physics while humping a voluptuous dead toad? Net: We’re gonna guess in your mom’s bed I need to know this NUT people. I’m asking all the readers of Network to answer me. Please, do respond to my pointless inquiries with your shallow drivel. I’m a zealous Network junky and I crave the melodramatic sludge that spews forth from your brains. I need something to consume my time while I sit in class. Duplex and Bizarro Net: Don’t forget Caseous on Fridays! just don’t cut it and pale in comparison to the gleaming glory of Network. I have one more question. I have made posters for the Network’s presidential campaign. Where shall I post them? Net: Far and wide, my son, far and wide Á Send us a copy too Á
GANGLEHUTT
From ChuckleNuts: I’m gonna skip the ass-kissing found in many network entries, sorry Net. Net: It’s OK, we tire of the constant obsequiousity It’s too bad that beauty Gangelhoff Net: *sigh* will not be allowed to hold any athletic-related positions until 2005 as she and her sister would be great offensive Net: Wethinks offensive is the key word here line coaches. Maybe she can use her experience writing more than 400 college papers to get a job as a research assistant for National Geographic or the History Channel. I bet she’s kicking herself for not holding out for more money from Clem (I’m sure he could afford it). On a side note, does it really matter that Bobby Jackson’s dumber than a box of rocks as long as he hikes up his socks and makes the plays? So what if Quincy Lewis likes to beat up women? As long as my team wins and I am able to sneak in my flask, I couldn’t care less if the players choose to go to class. On to an unrelated topic. The best receptacle on campus to excrete feces is any not previously defiled by the wee-pee-pee himself, Net: Are there any? PeeWee (the back doorstep of Zeta-psi is out as he defiled that particular local on March 23 of the previous year). SchoolSpiritGirl, quit trying to talk and go back to doing the only thing cheerleaders are good for, sucking (male sexual organ)! Net: Well, what do you know? She has already written (most likely with lipstick on a mirror) a rebuttal Á
RAH-RAH REBUTTAL
From SchoolSpiritGirl: Well, Net, you did get one thing right, Net: We did?!? HOORAY! That’s a first! (A sidenote: Does anybody ever say “HOORAY!” anymore? It seems to be a dead word. Your mission, Networkians, if you choose to accept it, it to use “HOORAY!” at least once today, preferable when something good happens) the cheerleaders do stink, and I am greatly offended that you think I would ever stoop so low as to be one of them — you should be ashamed of yourself! If I wanted to paint my face and wear a stupid outfit, I’d go to a Halloween party. (So if anyone hasn’t decided what to wear to all the Halloween parties this weekend …) I have better things to do than chase hockey players and do the spinny squatty thing. And that band joke? Try again. Net: OK, here goes: How many band people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1 million. Why? THEY DO NOT SCREW WELL. HOORAY! If you’re going to make jokes about us, at least make us laugh. Thanks for letting me clear up your little misconception, and have a great day.
UNSAFEINANYOFFICE
From UndercoverChcomtc: Hello to the collective. Net: *Christian Slater voice from Heathers* Greetings and salutations I wish I could waste all kinds of time talking about “important” stuff like where to take a crap on campus, or how some idiot left something in class and actually thinks that it will be returned, but there is a trivial matter at hand: the presidential election. This is going out to all those hippie-ass Nader lovers. Go hug a tree! Net: Gore? Then when you’re done, vote for Gore. All voting for Nader is doing is taking votes away from Gore and actually helping to get the shrub (Bushy Boy) elected. Maybe you actually want someone to get elected so that his daddy can run the country for four more years (we all know that the Big Bush pulls the strings of the little one). Anyway, as I bring this rambling to a close, what would Nader do if elected anyway? Net: He would finally kill the Corvair, once and for all He’d probably take a trip around the world and hug a tree in every country, then invite every America-hating terrorist to come invade us because all of our weapons that helped keep the entire western hemisphere from speaking German Net: Ich m”chte Butter auf meinen K”rper reiben would be gone. So anyway, on Nov. 7 Vote Network for president, or Gore whichever you prefer. Net: Vote Network. Throw your head back and yell “Vote Network,


HOORAY!”