WE ARE YOUR FATHER
From Kung Fu Joe: Dude, your column rocks. Net: Thanks. So who is this “Dude” we hear so much about? Since your column rocks so much, I am forced to read it every day in the hopes of hearing about Rollerdiva or the invasion of the squirrels. This could constitute a problem; I will not be able to see “The Phantom Menace” until Friday so, please, do not print any spoilers. If you do I will have to give in to the dark side and kill all Networkians. Net: Never fear, Networkians; the following reviews are not too revealing. Citizen didn’t go until late last night … let’s just say he wanted to avoid any “Obsequian entanglements.” As for Networkian comment, read on:
From Deez Nutz: All right, I am proud to admit that I was one of the psycho fans that saw “The Phantom Menace” at 12:02 a.m. Wednesday morning. The movie itself was fantastic, but I have a few remarks. I think that every true “Star Wars” fan out there will back up my ideas. I think that we, as “Star Wars” fans, need to unite. Net: Yeah … y’all need to have a camp out or something. Now, we all know about the pseudo-Christians and their W.W.J.D. key chains, bracelets, T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc. So I think that the true fans should adopt these five letters as our new slogan: W.W.J.J.D., standing for We Want Jar Jar Dead. I was very disappointed that this Godforsaken character made it through the entire film. I was praying for a gruesome death, but to no avail. Anyway, the fans should write to Lucas and tell him to market the new W.W.J.J.D. stuff as hard core as all the other “The Phantom Menace” stuff. Put those five letters on anything that sells — we will buy it. I would rather have one of these bright orange bracelets than a damn fruit snack in the shape of Darth Maul. Thanks for the space.
From Doug Henning: So I went to the 12:02 a.m. showing of “The Phantom Menace” at the Mall of America last night, and I have a few comments about the whole ordeal. Net: Go crazy. First of all, I expected to encounter a bunch of costume-wearing, light-saber wielding freaks out there, and I did. Net: Aren’t you used to getting what you expect? (I consider myself a normal fan, not an obsessed maniac.) Anyway, it got to be about five minutes after 12, and these people started chanting and yelling for the movie to start, since it was a couple of minutes late, according to their watches. Net: R2D2 watches tend to run fast. It pissed me off that they could wait in line for days just for tickets, but they couldn’t shut up when their watches turned out to be a few minutes faster than General Cinemas’. Anyway, about the movie, the kid who plays Anakin is an annoying dork, the Queen is hot, and the movie pretty much kicks ass. (I don’t want to give too much away.) Later. Net: Thanks, you two. We’ll continue to accept “The Phantom Menace” commentary throughout the evening for publication tomorrow — after that, if you haven’t seen it, we promise to ruin it for you. Onward.THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!
From Juan Berenguer: Don’t use the first floor bathrooms in the Social Sciences Building; they are being used for things other than going to thebathroom! Net: But once you’ve gone there, isn’t that what you’ve used it for? We’re confused … On Friday I needed to use the bathroom in the building. As I approached the door, it opened and a smiling male came out. I thought nothing of it and proceeded to the door, but as I reached the door it swung open again and out walked another male!!! Now, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I highly doubt that they were going over their homework assignments. Net: Depends on the class. Everyone I have told this to has came to the same conclusion as to what the activity was in the bathroom. I thought about going to the bathroom after this sight, but just the thought of what was going on put a stop to any bathroom duty I needed to do. Net: Depends on the bathroom duty. Is this Peewee? I hope to never see that sight again!
NO, REALLY, WE CARE
From The Dread Teacher Roberts: Oh, Minister of Concurrence, MOC: Nxxnngxk … a-HEM! … yes? your words are true and sincere; hear my cry. Network doesn’t want to print my letters and I am in need of a quick artificial boost to my ego. MOC: Yes, OK. Just to see this small message printed with your insightful comments would make my day infinitely better. Here’s my problem. The cafeteria served cinnamon rolls (the only good thing that UDS serves for breakfast) this morning, and I missed it. This has lead to a terrible self-perpetuating downward spiral that has ruined my day. Can you help me? MOC: Yes! Can you also put a stop to the haiku? Net: MINISTER!?!MOC: Uh-oh.Net: DID WE ASK YOU TO INTERPOLATE?MOC: Yes? Erm … no.Net: NO, WE DID NOT. BACK IN YOUR CAGE!MOC: Yes (scurry, shuffle, click).Net: Now then … no, Dread Teacher, we canNOT put a stop to the haiku. And stop grovelling to the Minister; it’s embarrassing. Sheesh, people, you are getting way out of control. Start behaving yourselves.ASK THE ARCHITECT; WAS IT A MAN OR A WOMAN?
From The Only Barry: Hello, Network! First-time writer, long-time reader here. Since I have a short attention span to the long-winded musings, rantings, etc. of regulars — like the infamous Rollerdork — I will make this short and sweet. Net: Glad you wasted 36 words to tell us that. Fellow Networkians (and Network alike), I have but one simple, but pressing, question that I need answered. Pillsbury Hall — more specifically, the round tower that stands on the north side of building — Does it look like a penis or a breast? Net: A rutabaga. Definitely a rutabaga. Please help me out! I’ve gotten into three different debates on it, and I still don’t have an answer! Net: Actually, we just like saying “rutabaga.” Pillsbury Hall actually looks like a penis. Hope this helps; good morrow.