Net: Seeing as all you dirty wankers decided to enjoy your “Thanksgiving” instead of writing inspiring tirades to Network, most of these letters are the dregs from last Wednesday. Semper fi Á
From Abbey Someone: I must say I was quite surprised at the volume of entries criticizing my observations of IT students. Hopefully, a long weekend of stuffing your fat, acne-covered faces, and interacting with your embarrassed families Net: And fixing your siblings’ computers has made you realize that my observations of your kind are accurate. I hope this will bring closure to the great IT student debate of 2000. Net: If it doesn’t, we sure will There’s one more issue I need to address. It seems that my moniker has lead many of you to believe that I am a woman. Net: You should change it to Arnold Someone Being thought of as a member of the weaker sex (physically, mentally, and all other ways) has truly been the worst experience of my life. In fact, if I were to wake up tomorrow and find that I had become a woman, Net: Don’t you hate it when that happens? I would first watch myself undress. Seeing as how I am the most beautiful man in the world, it would stand to reason that I would be equally as beautiful as a woman. I would then kill myself. A lifetime of having to piss sitting down and that whole menstruation thing would render my life not worth living.
From Someone: Oh almighty and impotent Network, please allow me the distinguishable honor of great dignitude Net: ? of gracing your hollow pages with my haikus … I’m sure you’ll see the strategy in them. I wrote them while being psychologically tortured in Latin today. Enjoy!!! Net: Learn to count
Silly IT KidsPsychology Major GoodBitches are Everywhere Net: Haiku alert! 6!When I am God Net: Haiku alert! 4!I will smite the Backstreet BoysAnd Ingest their brainsYudof is SexyAlluring shiny round headI wish he was drunkPedestrians suck
Step in front of my car once more Net: Haiku alert! 8! Boy you really suck.and I will kill themI never get laidI wish I was presidentthen I would get chicksFoolish Bush and GoreIf they keep counting the votes
Ralph Nader will winWell, I hope in all of your impotent glory that you find it within your hearts to lack the moral rectitude to print my haikus. Later.
From Poop Dreams: Hey Net, I just dropped the juiciest most disgusting and painful growler Net: Sweet potatoes will do that I’ve had in some time, and oh baby did my ass ever growl. It inspired me to share this haiku:
When things are bittaI read Net on the shitta
And just to clarify, “everything” is most definitely three, not four, syllables. i.e. ev-ree-thing.
During this growler I was also inspired to settle the current IT/CLA war. Everyone damn well knows there are nerds in CLA Net: No, they go to CSCL as well as nerds in IT. So lets just forget about the 10-15% of the students who actually are nerds and concentrate on mating like rabbits. What else is there to do when it’s -20 degrees windchill outside? And if you’re feeling extra freaky, do it doggy-style Net: Biting and growling? (its quite enjoyable), or even (as the Ladies Man would suggest Net: You actually saw that movie? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AH AHA) whip out everything you got, and do it in the butt. Peace out Net-diggity.
From Meep: Hello Net. Why does FruitMAN have two large olive breasts? Shouldn’t it be FruitWOMAN? Net: He/she was created by the advertising production department here at the Daily and because of this fact will never be mentioned in Network again Á forget you ever read this letter
From SomeoneElse: Oo-tah, Net. It’s been a long, cold, year since I’ve last written in, but I have to beg the continuum to explain something for me- WHY IS TERI GARR THE ANSWER FOR EVERY CROSSWORD PUZZLE QUESTION? Net: Four words: We love Mr. Mom Does BackTalk have some strange infatuation with an actress who hasn’t had any work since ‘Tootsie’? Net: What about Pràt-Ö-Porter? Dick? Changing Habits? Mom and Dad Save the World? The Black Stallion Returns? Dumb & Dumber? Her star is rising, and she is ready to shine! She has been included FAR TOO MUCH lately. Would it kill them to throw in a “Bea Arthur” or “Estelle Getti” every now and then? Net: 69 Across: The two hottest women alive *sigh* Even Network has become a pile of steaming pulp where IT kids try to remember what writing skills are. Net: “So that’s what the keyboard is for!” YOUR ATTEMPTS AT SELF-DEPRECATION WIT ARE NOT FUNNY. Why don’t you use your amazing computer skills, and draw up a crossword puzzle that doesn’t have Teri Garr in it? I know you’re not busy with a boy/girl friend or anything, so make yourself useful. Peace out — DEATH TO GARR! Net: You would never say that if you had seen The Monkees’ movie Head. Rent it today!Net: On a completely different note: Be sure to tune in to tomorrow’s Network where we will announce the FIRST ANNUAL SUPER CRAZY FUN NETWORK CONTEST. The grand prize: A CHANCE TO GUEST-WRITE NETWORK! Excitement? You’re soaking in it Á