Network: D-Man; Goldy’sNumberOneFan; the Dairy Regent

>From D-Man

Alright Netaroni, I think I’ve held my tongue for quite long enough. Net: You’ve been holding SOMETHING long enough. Besides, I think the semi-loyal readership deserves to once again hail in the Reign of the D-Man. First things first: What in the hell happened to you? Sopher year I thought you had gotten worse than the preceding year, then the putridness of that year was completely obliterated by the initial horridness of ’03. Now you jab and poke so rarely and ineffectually that you make pre-pubescent Pioneer Hall freshmen look like Ron Jeremy. Net: You gape and dribble so much you look like Jenna Jameson. If she were ugly. There is more wit to be found in Jay Leno monologues, or those of the Vagina sort, for that matter. Does there exist some sort of Geometrical Network Law of Sucking, or is the D-oManator unspeakably mistaken? Have the Daily classified linage representatives that contribute (read: “write”) to your witticisms suddenly become more interested in the banality of Texas-hold’em poker and catching up on soul and culture devouring episodes of The Apprentice? Net: Is there some sort of law of repetitive D-Man anti-Network entries? Secondly, what’s with all the hating threads? Let me set y’all straight. Whether you’re in IT, CLA, CBS, or the even more despicable GC, you’re a moron. Just because you are in one college or the other doesn’t offset the fact that you are human, and concordantly stupid. Net: Brilliantly argued. And while I’m at it, I might as well set straight some of the recurring political issues coursing through the more superficial pages of this rag… I’m against abortion, but I’m for killing babies (up to age 100). I hate religious types, but new-age atheist-mystics are equally vomit-inducing. Islam is evil, which puts it on par with Christianity, Buddhism, and just about everything else. Bush sucks, and so does Kerry; argument complete. I’m against homosexual marriages, but I’m for mandatory intercourse amongst citizens of the same sex. Conservatives are cry-babies, and liberals are pansies. D-Man: 1, y’all: 0. Pan-Hater wins, you lose. Oh, and I hate cynics and nihilists, too. Toodles.

From Goldy’sNumberOneFan

Hey Networkia, I have a little PSA for you. (I know PSAs in Network are generally frowned upon Net, but, just this once, hear me out!) Are you tired of politics as usual? Are you disillusioned with John and G-Dub? Are you looking for a candidate you can really support? Look no further than our own furry, lovable Goldy Gopher! For those of you caught unawares, on Monday, October 11th, polls open for this country’s most cut-throat and heated competition- the Capital One Mascot Challenge. 12 mascots from schools throughout this great country were selected to the All-America Mascot Team, and from this team one will be crowned National Mascot of the Year. This year, our very own Goldy Gopher will compete, as the only Big Ten representative! To cast your vote, go to www.capitalonebowl.com. We in Minnesota all know and love Goldy’s hilarious hijinks and uproarious

antics; now let’s show it to the entire country!

Vote Goldy in 2004! Net: Didn’t he already win Pimp of the Year back in 1973? He should be ineligible.

From the Dairy Regent

turkey runs blindly

darkness rules his world. oh cruel

Bruininks, relent!

What is the significance of the word Bruininks? I’m new around here and your ways are strange to me. Net: Your ignorance is laughable to us.