Network: YouAreDoingItWrong; ButThey’reFun!; Mordred

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CutItNow, you perhaps are the stupidest person I have ever heard of. It is a widely known scientific fact that when an uncircumcised male becomes fully aroused, the foreskin becomes taught and will not hinder his ability to get the job done. So, obviously, you are doing something wrong. Let me give you some pointers. You must be what we males like to call a ‘No pride night’ in which we raise our average by significantly lowering our standards. Net: Also known as “every night.” The first step you must take is to get your fat ass to the gym and work on shaping the body a bit. This will help him rise to the challenge and you won’t have to choke on that “special extra something.” If the problem persists, turn off the lights and close the curtains so he doesn’t actually realize where his pocket snake is actually going. For all he knows, you could look like Heidi Klum. Secondly, it technically isn’t a BLOW job and shouldn’t be treated like a slide whistle in elementary music class. On the other hand, you don’t need to be Hoovering it like a 5 hp Shop Vac either. Think gentle. Also, most important of all – NO teeth. Lastly, like my junior high basketball coach always said, “Practice makes perfect!” My advice is to get out to frat row on any given Friday night, wait for the beer goggles to set in and allow the ‘No pride night’ to do its job. If it is hard like a nail, you are doing something right but if it is like the Jell-O shot you had to give him to get him there, try again.

From ButThey’reFun!

I find it important to let the University men know that CutItNow is certainly not in the majority when it comes to foreskin. Foreskin is great! It’s a lot of fun to play with. Plus when a guy is circumcised he gets desensitized from his junk always rubbing around in his pants. Of course, most guys don’t know because they’re circumcised when they’re infants, but for all you circumcised guys out there, imagine even more pleasure just because you didn’t get a natural part of your body hacked off before you could talk. Not to say there’s anything wrong with a circumcised penis, and yes, CutItNow, there is something aesthetically pleasing about – but really only if you’re into a lot of porno and not into how men actually are naturally. There’s not enough time to be picky about it because it’s not about what it looks like. Some guys just know how to work it! I say bring it on no matter what it looks like; its fun either way!

From Mordred

Alright, Evenondrugsrushisright, hold on a (yawn) second, I’ve got to get (crack, pop) ready to deal with this gibberish … Man, this gets so tiresome after a few years … OK, let’s roll, or should I say “Bring ’em on?” You are a turturous little twit, EODRIR, and I haven’t the motivation to fully excoriate you. Suffice to say, you are way off base. First off, there are a number of anti-President George W. Bush billionaires who can buy and sell your chump-change daddy, including none other than Warren Buffett. Tant pis pour toi that Murdoch can’t vote, n’est pas? Second of all- there are a number of vehicles that are well-built and luxurious status symbols that are not crude-slurping prosthetic members. As liberals, we are not advocating that every member of the community live a life of bare asceticism, we just refuse to take pride in personal wastefulness. We don’t envy your suburban starter mansion, we abhor it. You are a cultureless cancer upon the skin of a once-proud nation that has been hijacked by scum-sucking little worms like yourself whose entitlement springs from the notion that you somehow deserve more than those around you, in a construction that pushes anyone poorer than Daddy Douchebag into the realm of the ‘lazy.’ What do you have to say to all the people who work 40 hours a week and go to school here at the same time, you maggoty little twat? Actually, don’t answer, I don’t want to have to find out where you live and deliver my next message myself. Sorry, Net, I had to do that. Selah. Net: No problem, Mordred.