Net: After our encore performance, we now return to our all-new episodes. Happy belated Bastille Day — and what a great time to be French. And, in the spirit of that cultured country, we offer …
FINE WHINE
From Jimmy Jam to Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Dude: WHHAAAAHHHH!!! For your message to your fellow Math 1252 students — if you can’t hack it, get out. To actually sit and complain about your personal grade problems to students who have decided to study (Sorry — that’s what I thought school was all about.) Net: Sounds like you have a case of the Responsible Student Blues. Watch two showings of “Animal House” and call us in the morning. simply because the curve is higher than you’re used to might seem to be a major problem to you, but why should I care? Net: Because, as a fellow student, you should show solidarity with your comrade. But more on that later.
I work two University jobs, day and night, for a total of 25 to 35 hours a week, carry a class load of 17 to 22 credits a quarter, and I still manage a grade point average of 3.26. Time to fish or cut bait, “dude.”
The world is competitive. Once you leave this pristine paradise of higher education Net: Wow. And to think we came here for the wings at BW-3. Philistines are we. you’ll be expected to “put up or shut up.” The breaks will only be made from your determination, not by complaining that your competitor put his time into a project while you sat on your laurels and whined.
Net: Ah-ha. We have a Social Darwinist here. Look, your ideals are noble here, but we think you’re missing a larger point. It’s exactly that sort of rugged individualism that allows The Man to divide and conquer! Can’t you see what He’s doing? All you hard-working students are just hamsters running the wheel of life, caught in your cages and not knowing what’s on the other side. Folks like you willingly accept overtime, bitch about things like the GM strike and live RESPONSIBLY!
But that’s not what we’re about, man. Chill out! Blow that exam! Smoke some weed, put on the incense and say the same things about Pink Floyd over and over again. It’s the “Dude” way of life, and it’s what we all can have — if only we stick together. So go for it, folks — tune in, turn on and drop out! Hasta la victoria siempre!
Now, back to our letter …
Wake up! The real world is coming up fast and strong. You are responsible for your own actions, including whatever grade you receive in your classes.
It’s not dependent on another person’s study habits, but whether you yourself have what it takes to “make the grade.” Net: And despite all your rage, you are still just a rat in a cage. We suggest a bacchanalia at the Smashing Pumpkins concert this week. Let us know how you feel when you get back.
THEY STAY THE SAME AGE …
From Dirty Old Man to Winston: Gosh … you got all those cute little 15-year-old girls on your side of campus. … We got stuck with a bunch of 15-year-old boys for some wrestling camp here at Sanford. WHAT A GIP!! Net: Not necessarily. Remember — according to Aristophanes in Plato’s “Symposium,” the purest form of love is between an older mentor and a younger man. Perhaps you should reach out to these fine budding boys — learn some wrestling moves while you drink libations to the gods … that’s all we’ll say. Let your imaginations run wild, folks. We’ll check ya later.
