Net: Perhaps, at last, it seems the Minister of Concurrence has a friend or two. Well, at least some who want him around.The count currently stands at 9 to 4 against granting clemency with one day to go.It might be time for the Minister to ring up any and all mob ties and stuff a few ballot boxes, as only one more sunset remains before the weasely bastard’s fate is decided.HELP US, MINISTER;YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE
From Obi: Oh, Network, I answer your call on the matter of the Minister. I say let the Minister return! Yes, his sins are before us and, great though they might be, we must nevertheless allow him to return. Net: Indeed, repentance leads one down the path of salvation. That and some serious palm-greasing. I sense within him a stirring of something. Net: Gastrointestinal distress? Yes, even maybe a Force. Net: Oh, that. To push him away would be a mistake! Far too many enemies have been made by those who do not forgive. Net: Yeah, it’s about time we all forgive Clem Haskins, lest he come back in a big ol’ John Deere tractor and roll through the front door of Williams Arena. You, oh benevolent Net, must know that in order to keep things under control you must keep them close. Net: That’s why boxer briefs were invented. And now you know … the rest of the story. Good day! I say allow the Minister to return, but impose upon him a heavy hand. Net: We used to try that all the time — right upside the head! All we got in return was, “Thank you, sirs, may I have another?” Pitiful. In time maybe he shall prove himself worthy to truly walk free amongst all in Networkia!
DAWG (SICK AND) TIRED
From Rabid Dawg: Yawn!!!
After finding my copy of the Daily and sitting down at my 10 a.m. class to read the Network, I’m looking to be entertained, not put to bed; I have instructors to help with that. Net: (Insert seemingly unrelated anecdote about hooking up with a French teacher umpteen years your senior, moving into a house, getting a cat and naming it “Tarhead” here.) On Monday, all I got was one column-long letter from some Minister who isn’t even in the same country as us. Net: Again, we have to take some of the responsibility for that. But the recent dominance of Minister-related discussion is only a vacation of sorts from highbrow topics like parking, construction and trouser-burning. What is with all the long letters? When I open up to the Network, I want to be able to skip over a boring letter once in awhile and not be to the end of the section. Net: Some people. We don’t like every episode of “Sanford and Son,” but you don’t see us writing them letters! Writers: Can you please shorten things up so I can get some of my mindless ramblings in print from time to time? Net: The thought of reading more from the dirty Dawg has us all breathless with anticipation, much like an asthmatic bitch in heat.
From Kung Fu Joe: I know how the issue of the Minister of Concurrence can be solved.
There are two fast and easy methods. First, you can weigh him; if he weighs as much as a duck, then he is a witch and should be burned. Net: And served with a nice, oaken chardonnay.
Second, you can settle this the Kung Fu way: Have the Minister fight the prosecutor to the death. Whoever proves to be mightier in battle is surely correct. Thus, if the Minister wins, then he can return. If the prosecutor is victorious, he must be on the side of truth, and the Minister can never return. Net: This sounds like a good way to repair that pesky rift between Bill and Hillary. Either way, we’re the winners.
I think both of these methods are fair and should both be given consideration. Net: We’ll be the sludge of fat. Or something like that.CHAOS THEORY,
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
From Philosopher Dragon: Hey, oh great and benevolent Network, Philosopher Dragon here to wish you the top o’ the mornin’ and a liter of liquid caffeine to those of you who have classes before noon. ‘Tis tragic to waste a good sunrise by being trapped in the Science Classroom Building. Evil, evil place. Net: Yet it doesn’t compare to the evil that lurks within the walls of Morrill. Evil has many friends indeed.
As for the MOC, well … enough is enough, says I. What we really need is a Minister of Discordance, which would do wonders for waking up in the morning. Net: First a Minister of Concurrence. Then a Minister of Complacency, copyright St. Pauli Girl. And now a Minister of Discordance. We’re going to need a cabinet pretty soon. Then again, that doesn’t sound so bad … we could go Yeltsin and fire ’em all. Something to do during football bye weeks. Nothing like a bit of chaos to get the blood running, or something like that. Net: Hey, wait! That’s our line! Or was that nothing like a bit of bloodshed to get the chaos running? Hmm … best take out the old sword and test the theory. Well, have to run — yes, with the sword. Net: As long as it’s not with scissors. Mama Net would smack you silly if she caught you. I gotta figure this out.
A TOOL FOR CHANGE
From IHaveA12″Tool: As a compassionate Net: And anatomically humble person in society, I must cast my vote that the Minister of Concurrence be reinstated in his previous position. Net: You mean bent at the waist?
Nowadays, we need a loyal person who will always be there to agree with you. Net: Buy a poodle, for chrissakes. It’s so hard to find a loyal and honest helper like the MOC who will be there to help you out. Net: Isn’t that what the financial aid office is for? He said he was sorry. He knows that he was wrong before, so let him back in. Net: Actually, he just apologized for groveling, not for being disagreeably agreeable. You can give him a spanking, paddling or some sort of penetrating punishment, but let him back. Thus, the man with the 12-inch tool says we should allow the Minister of Concurrence back in. Net: If he’s taking your place, he’s looking like a fine addition to the family!