Steps to make your own Christian rock band

Ye of the suppressed sex drive; the power chords are calling.

by Conrad Schoenleber

âÄúPride and passion, physical attraction/ whatever situation youâÄôre in/ these temptations causing you frustrations/ what you need is a friend,âÄù preaches Mark Stuart in the derivative Audio Adrenaline song, âÄúMighty Good Leader.âÄù Many Christians are plagued by similar moral quandaries and, like Stuart, would also like to strap them to some power chords and set them to song. But as he points out, everything that makes rock âÄônâÄô roll great is a (goddamned) sin. Not to worry âÄî the genre can still be gutted, sterilized and used as a vessel for a more pope-approved message. Venturing into the genre that consistently pumps out the soundtrack for hell is tricky, but if youâÄôre one of those misguided kids who believe itâÄôs possible to be saved AND cool, here are some simple steps to help you rock out with your cross out. 1. You must repress all sexuality that you may have. This is critical. The goal of most rockers is to make money and get laid. However, these cannot be your motives. The quickest paths to the devil are through sex and money. Instead, your lyrics must not reflect your all-too-human desire for the opposite (or same) sex, but rather for Jesus. Of course, this repression will emerge in odd ways. Perhaps a love of large spandex-clad WWE wrestlers or a need for intense musical climax via U2. Lacking intimacy with humans, just replace it with your desire to be in extreme physical proximity to Jesus. Like CartmanâÄôs Faith+1, âÄúYou donâÄôt just love Jesus, youâÄôre IN love with Jesus.âÄù Do keep in mind that if youâÄôre ambiguous enough, people might not even know the difference! And remember, all groupies are off limits; youâÄôll be completely satisfied during the afterlife. Now that youâÄôve fulfilled all your sexual needs with prayer, letâÄôs move on to your style. 2. Get a vaguely rebellious haircut. The key here is that you want to look deep and cool, not dangerous. Maybe grow it longer in front and dye it? A Mohawk perhaps? There. Instant credibility. You probably should copy the styles of all those secular bands you donâÄôt sound quite as good as. Just be sure that youâÄôre not too dirty or out there; cleanliness is next to godliness. Wear a cross around your neck and probably a thumb ring. Now that youâÄôve go the mindset and the look, letâÄôs move on to your sound. 3. Copy copy, copy! You definitely donâÄôt want to do anything new or different. Your audience is completely comfortable with what they already know and do not wish to be challenged. This is probably the easiest part of forming your band. Just take any pre-existing sound, remove all hard edges or difficult parts, make it bright and shiny, and voila, itâÄôs born again! As for lyrics, donâÄôt worry; just use something that is comforting and soothing. If youâÄôre having trouble you can always resort to Bible verses. YouâÄôre now this close to being almost cool. 4. Gather your followers and bathe in the glory of God-given success. As a musical fisher of men you should have a great hook thatâÄôll catch any listenerâÄôs ear. But seriously, it doesnâÄôt really matter; other believers will appreciate your music solely based on content. ItâÄôs not like this whole venture was about actually making good music anyway. Now that youâÄôve reached niche superstardom, relax and enjoy yourself. Ride your career for years. Luckily for you the only way you can sell out is by NOT singing about Jesus.