Southern secession

My fellow Americans: Assuming you have a pulse, you are no doubt aware that Election Day is near. While I have my own suspicions as to who will be our next president, it’s unclear exactly how many votes government officials will be able to purge by next Tuesday, so IâÄôm not inclined to risk my reputation by making a projection here. However, as the electoral map continues to tighten, it seems increasingly likely that weâÄôre about to refrain a familiar, 148-year-old tune: electing a young Illinois senator who has campaigned on the hope that he may be able to mend the fractures that have split the Union into two increasingly belligerent factions. IâÄôd like to think weâÄôve learned from our history, and I see this as a second chance for our country, an opportunity to start over and fix the mistakes weâÄôve made since Honest Abe was in office. So with extreme impudence and limited sincerity, I would like to ask all of you the South: please secede again. My proposal is quite simple. All southern states that previously constituted the Confederacy will secede and once more form a nation. Border states like Kentucky, Missouri, Oklahoma and West Virginia can hold referendums to decide on secession. You guys can have Alaska, too. I understand that there exists a visible secessionist movement there, and we ought to oblige. Now I know what youâÄôre thinking: The last time you tried to secede, we fought a war, and so you may be understandably anxious that this is some kind of trick orchestrated by godless Northern vegetarians. While IâÄôm not trying to trick anyone, in truth, this suggestion does have a personal motive. For decades, weâÄôve been talking about the âÄúculture war;âÄù the issues that began it, and the division it has bred. Although reactionary elements in the media may have us believe otherwise, the culture war isnâÄôt a battle between good and evil so much as it is a political and philosophical difference between Americans. The front lines of the culture war are pretty clearly drawn on the electoral map, and battle is joined every election cycle with the Southern Evangelical block pitted against the Bostonian Liberal block in a cage-match for freedom. Unfortunately for Americans, itâÄôs a war that everyone is losing. That gets us back to my point. If you secede, the culture wars will effectively end with both sides winning. WeâÄôll be able to provide equal marriage rights, and youâÄôll be able to terminate abortion. Your guns will be safe, and our citizens will be able to disentangle ourselves from unpopular wars overseas. You wonâÄôt have people in Washington trying to hold back Young Earth creationism and Intelligent Design, or putting laws in place to ban praying in school or the mandatory recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. Furthermore, youâÄôll be able to shed all the unnecessary âÄúanti-AmericanâÄù parts of America. New York, Philadelphia and Washington will all be a distant memory. Essentially, you would keep the only âÄúrealâÄù and âÄúpro-AmericaâÄù parts, the parts that birthed and nurtured people like Jerry Falwell, Michael Griffin, Fred Phelps and Jesse Helms. Although details would have to be ironed out, we would have the stipulation that you canâÄôt talk about Sept. 11. After all, that happened in our country. We both have so much to gain, and youâÄôve really got nothing to worry about. There will be no âÄúWar of Northern Aggression II.âÄù We wonâÄôt fight to get you back âÄî honest. Let us know what you think. Chris Benson, the senior Editorial Board member, welcomes comments at [email protected]