From the madcow: Well, hello there, Net! Net: Yo. Did you get those yummy tacos? … If not, I’ll send more. Net: Send more. There is plenty of hungry Net to feed. I would like to take this time to comment to all the ladies out there about dating in the new millennium. Net: Dating advice to women from an (obviously) sex-starved, desperate man. This should be entertaining.
It’s very simple in fact … When a guy who you’ve been eyeing all night comes up to you and introduces himself Net: We’re SURE she was eyeing you, as every guy at a bar seems to think that there is some girl eyeing him. Does alcohol produce the opposite of paranoia — the false delusion that everyone likes you? then starts conversing … DO NOT USE news items that you heard on KDWB or MTV and quote them as fact! You WILL SOUND UNINTELLIGENT! Net: Or, perhaps, “hip” to popular music culture.
Number 2: If you wanna get some, don’t play hard to get … it’s time-consuming and very annoying. Net: Translated: “Please give me some.”
Number 3: DON’T CALL A GUY A PLAYER when you’re the one who just wanted it anyway and are using his good name to cover up the fact that you just wanted a piece. Net: We all know what happens when a guy runs around thinking, “She just wanted it anyway.”
Ladies, if you keep these three points in mind, you will have no problem dating Net: (morons) in the new millennium. Thank you for your time.
From TrenchFoot to The Network: Net: The Network? We really hope you’re a first-time writer. Umm … OK. Let me compose myself. I have had many long and adventurous days working for the wonderful landcare system here on campus, but the ills that come with the job have caught up with me. Net: All that fertilizing manure? I’m one of those faithful workers on campus who gets to ride around in those little green carts, Net: How come you never stop and pick people up? get wet all day and pretty much look buff from 7 a.m. till 3 p.m. Aside from this “perfect” existence, I still get bothered by some of your odd behavior. You all need to recognize who’s in charge! Net: The Freemasons. For one, don’t take craps in the bushes with a trail of toilet paper leading us to your lost ark. Net: Use leaves like any other nature dweller. If you think we love finding them and that they smell just as fun, you’re wrong. Dump your loads in their designated receptacles. Net: But open bathrooms are so hard to find when you’re walking through campus drunk at 4 a.m. Two, condoms in the bushes are no slip down the waterslide either. Do your duty in the same place you birth your litter, got it? Net: The hospital? That is just sick. Better yet, forget the condoms and just have someone tickle your weasel the old fashioned way, milk a few puppies, and get a job at Harvard Market. Net: They have a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as a bottle of Pedialyte, kept nicely warm in the afternoon sun. You’re headed there anyway. Why not save yourself the CLA credits? And bosses! Bosses suck chunks. Most of my bosses ARE chunks. Net: Which reminds us, “The Goonies” was really, really overrated. Who cares if I’m lazy on my job, or if I sleep in the bushes (if they haven’t been defiled), or if I shoot sprinklers at people and pretend it was an accident, or even if I stand by the Rec Center each morning and check out the 12-year-old volleyball players going to practice? Does it really matter what I do to get those few tax dollars? Net: With that sort of thinking, you could be president someday. When I live a life where I’m afraid to look behind bushes, tired of trench foot and just plain fed up with the campus scum … can’t I at least be afforded these few escapes that make it all bearable? Net: Keep yourself sane in any way you can, even if it entails activities of ill repute.
From WillFelchForFood: Sexy Net! Net: Mom? I had some good ideas, and I thought I should share… ##1: Net needs a publicity manager. Here’s the scenario: A new student picks up the paper. Upon reading the front page, the student puts the paper in the garbage. Net: We’ve tried to use our influence to have them print the paper backwards, but this resulted in thousands of students spellbound by the crossword puzzle. Clearly, the Network could use some awareness advertising to lead students to the last page. Maybe some sorority girls “performing” on the Mall with their bodies painted with the slogan “The rear is where we like it: Go N-E-T!” Net: One step ahead of you (wink wink).
##2: Gangs are good. At least in the case where they chase those scary, annoying, white shirt and name-tag-wearing missionaries off the campus. Net: And steal their bikes! Perhaps the gang should wear those hard hats Yudof gave to the freshmen last year for protection.
##3: The University is not providing us with the chance to get real-world degrees. How many lawyers, doctors and scientists are there already? Net: Too damn many! Clearly, the job market is pretty saturated. What we need is a survival major. None of the contestants on “Survivor” are truly qualified for the task they are given. Net: Except for the task of looking like an idiot in front of millions of viewers. They are just bums getting on that show, while there is no one with a bachelor’s degree able to address properly the problem of survival. Net: That would be a better show. You take a bunch of Ph.D.’s and other college grads with big degrees but no common sense and put them in an uncomfortable situation, like a party or a late night at Perkins. We deserve to leave here with at least the skills necessary to forage for food. Net: If paying this tuition hasn’t made you forage for food yet, we don’t know what to tell you. On second thought, with a name like WillFelchForFood, we don’t even want to know. Oh, and Net, I see you baby, shaking that ass…..Net: