Net: Lots of letters flowing in about the scourge of THAT GUYs and OLD NODDERs. A few networkians with keen eyes (and active imaginations) have noticed a few different strains of University wildlife:
CLASSROOM SIGHTINGS
From NuttyMcFattySlapNutSlap: FIDGETING SLACKER: The guy who comes in ten minutes late, Net: Us slams the door, Net: Yep, us kind of jams his way past you into his seat. Net: *Nods* Noticeable lack of any paper, backpack, pens, etc. Net: Us Sits there and fidgets Net: People make us nervous (or reads the network in the Daily) Net: We like to see how many references to pornography and booze our editors ruthlessly rip from our hallowed prose and spams (legs kicking the seat in front of him, sprawls legs and arms all over the place, kind of like the guy who sits next to on the campus bus and sits John Wayne style, with his legs spread wide apart, Net: Gotta let our junk get some air while you are cramped in a six inch section) for the whole 50 minutes. Seems to instantly absorb whole lecture with absolutely no notes whatsoever. Net: Yeah, the collective is smart that way They tend to wear baseball caps. Net: Generally with The Minnesota Daily logo.
From Dr.Nick: Hello, Net. Kudos on the Simpsonian reference in Wednesday’s column. Net: Oh, you mean when we were talking about OJ? That was pure comic gold Speaking of obscure references, I find it necessary to add a third type of annoying classmates to your list. While I have had THAT GUY/GIRL and OLD NODDER in my classes, I find nothing more annoying than the occasional OBSCURE REFERENCE BOY who appears every so often in my discussions. ORBs tend not to ask questions, they more often interject their opinions on topics by comparing the subject of discussion with a weird fact from their “vast” knowledge of Star Trek, Russian Literature, Zimbabwe history or a “zany” little factoid from CNN. They often try to intermix humor into their statements, often times failing miserably to make anyone laugh with them, and causing people to laugh at them. Net: That sounds exactly like us! The collective is an ORB too!
However, they do not notice the difference and assume that they are making new friends. ORBs make class a living hell for two reasons. First, for people who actually care about class, they get the discussion WAY off track and make it impossible for relevant discussion. Second, for people who could care less about discussions, their nasal/high-pitched/extremely-loud voices make it impossible to doze off or do the crossword without interference. Net: They don’t allow you to do the crossword? That means you are also not able to peruse the informative advertisements in the Daily and, therefore buy all the quality products you see advertised within! Someone call marketing! I say take all three categories and put them in their own damn section so I can finally get some sleep, er … I mean work done.
So anyways, you got my vote for Prez, Net: You’re not worried about that we were caught Á ahem Á with the crossword. What can we say, you work next to someone for that long and you can’t help but have a little crush. We’re just going to say it: “We love the crossword and there is nothing you can say about to change the collective’s mind.” as long as I can be the double-jointed chiefs of staff. And to all the ORBs out there (like the one in my US History discussion), thank you for coming, I’ll see you in hell. That oughtta shut them up.
FLAT FRAT FRISBEE
From Felix Dacat: Greetings Networkia, this is my first time writing to you, and frankly I never thought I would ever stoop to your ugly smelly letter, but alas … here I AM! Net: Welcome to the fold. Grab a sword and turban out of the bin So anyway, what has me writing is nothing short of bragging for my own self-amusement. I have achieved what I imagine will be the absolute pinnacle of my college days. Net: So you’re a sophomore? A HAHA HAHAH HA eh Á I was driving down University Avenue to pick up a friend at the Rec. (Please keep in mind it was he, and not I, who was actually “exercising.” I wouldn’t want any false images of me popping up in that overactive imagination of yours.) Net: Don’t worry, the voices drowned out any images we would have had of you Aaanyway … down to the story … So I’m driving right through frat row and and the boys are fratting Net: Spell check suggestions for fratting: fretting, frothing, framing, fraying their little lives away playing not only football, but Frisbee across the street. At first I began to roll my eyes and extend my finger when suddenly to my astonishment and joy, what would roll in front of my car but the Frisbee … sure I had to swerve a little bit to hit it, but what’s a little reckless driving when given that good of a chance to be a jerk. Net: Amen And then (I’m almost done) what would happen next, but the football also being mis-thrown and landing just one lane over! Net: The gods were truly with you Well, one quick lane change later and the most satisfying noises of THUMP THUMP THUMP under the car (not to mention various obscenities yelled by what I can only assume was the Alpha male) filled my ears with joy. I -STRONGLY- reccomend this as a hobby to ANYONE with a car (or bike with large enough tires Net: Or Roller-Racer). The end. Net: A truly inspiring story that will go down in the annals of Network (as soon as we get around to making those annals).
THE MORE YOU KNOW Á
From Mephistofalafeles: The execrable epithet “Retard,” and variations thereon (e.g., “‘Tard”), appears in your column with noisome frequency. This word is anti-progressive and uncreative Net: We’re just being ironic, it’s all good and don’t tell me you’re being “ironic” — that specious excuse is the first refuge of decadent sarcasm. I doubt you would recognize irony if it clobbered you upside the head with a fat volume of O. Henry stories. Net: Oh, yeah Á the guy who makes the candy bars. It’s all good “Retard”, despite its relatively wide usage, is no less heinous than “faggot” or “ho” Net: We heard “ho” a lot at the Renaissance Festival. Are they evil too? It’s all good (which also appears often in your reactionary forum). If “retard” is the first word that comes to you when you want to insult someone, I suggest you acquaint yourself with a thesaurus; if such a recourse is unavailable to you, you might try substituting such tried-&-true synonyms as “stupid dumb-head” or “big fat idiot” Net: So you hate fat people too? It’s all good with no loss of cleverness in your copy. Thank you. And for the love of Jah, will everyone PLEASE stop saying “It’s all good”? Net: OK.
