Vikes owners to Powerball winner: Call our number

Ahoy, Minnesota! We are the owners of the Minnesota Vikings. As you might remember, there are 10 of us, including president Roger Headrick. We are writing this as a public service, rotating every sentence so every owner gets equal input.
Tom Clancy is a no-talent hack and arrogant putz.
Dammit, Roger, knock it off!
Anyway, as we were saying, you’ve probably heard we’ve been having a little trouble unloading our football team. We realize that you’re weary of the whole sale process, as well as our fright pig of an ownership scheme that looked like it would finally disappear until Clancy apparently left his wallet in his other pants.
We want to help you. We want to stabilize the franchise and give it a legitimate shot at winning a Super Bowl sometime before the godforsaken AFC does.
Wait a minute. Aren’t the Broncos in the AFC? Yes, they are. OK, before the AFC wins it again.
Our solution to this problem involves just one word that’s not really a word: Powerball.
As you also probably know, the Powerball drawing is tonight, and the jackpot is huge — a record-breaking 175 (pause for Dr. Evil effect) million dollars.
While you couldn’t make an Oscar-winning film for this much, the $60 million price tag for controlling interest in our club would have the same financial impact as the interest on that $50 savings bond your Aunt Francis deposited for you on your 12th birthday.
We heartily endorse that whoever collects this windfall call our offices in Winter Park immediately. All you have to do is show us the ticket, and you’ll have the ownership papers in front of you before you can say “right of first refusal.”
What does that mean, you ask? Hey buddy, you don’t have to worry about that now.
The point is, you’ll have yourself a real-life, honest-to-goodness football team that’s way better than that fantasy team you had last year with Bubby Brister at quarterback.
And the prestige of owning an NFL team is just the beginning. Just imagine all the other benefits:
Respect: If you decide to keep any of your old, Joe-Sixpack-Vikings-fan friends, owning an NFL team will definitely keep them in line.
“Bob, turn the TV back to NASCAR or God help me, I will trade Cris Carter to the Packers for 50 shares of their worthless stock — and maybe a kicking tee.”
License to clown: Let’s face it. When you’re that rich and powerful, you can do whatever you want — like show up for the scouting combine in a sweatsuit and stopwatch.
Take it easy, Roger.
Payback: You can start a promotion called “John Randle Tackling Dummy Night” and invite Chuck Knoblauch to sit in your luxury suite. You could even have him win.
Flair: We admit we’re not that “cool” or “hip” or “in touch.” We know that you know what Vikings fans want to see. Here’s your chance to make it happen. Paint one end zone, “Packers,” and the other, “suck,” just like those clever T-shirts. Print referees’ home addresses and phone numbers on the Jumbotron. Say goodbye to Wally the Beerman, say hello to Pamela the Beerwoman. Switch to wood bats. Whatever you want.
We should say, however, that there could be a few roadblocks to owning the Vikings. Winning the Powerball all but assures you of buying the team, but there are a few criteria you must meet.
First, as we’ve made clear, you have to promise to keep the team in Minnesota. Of course, you might not have to if you don’t want to, but tell us you will anyway. It makes us feel better.
Second, for the love all things holy, don’t demand a new stadium. Wow, did that get us in trouble. We don’t want to see it happen to you. The Metrodome is fine for football. Just fine.
Lastly, if you have any writing samples, leave them at home. We are implementing a strict no-authors rule on our sale process. That not only keeps Clancy from re-applying for ownership should he win the jackpot (we saw him buying tickets at an Amoco station when he was here), but it also takes Dennis Green out of the equation.
Didn’t I fire him?
No, Roger, he’s still here.

— Tim Klobuchar is a sports reporter at the Daily. He welcomes comments at [email protected]