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Serving the UMN community since 1900

The Minnesota Daily

Serving the UMN community since 1900

The Minnesota Daily

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By demonizing pleasure, we set ourselves up for unfulfilling sex lives.
Opinion: Let’s talk about sex
Published March 27, 2024

Non-quiet times in the library

Inside Walter Library, students are frantically searching Lumina and rifling through the microfiches.
“Aaah, the madness of finals week,” you think as you approach the check-out counter in the main lobby.
“Books on stalking?” you inquire. The librarian looks at you uneasily. “They would be down in the secondary sub-basement annex, along with the volumes on, er, freemasonry and faculty unionization.”
You thank him and start to leave when you decide to ask him if he’s seen any shadowy figures go through here. But when you turn around, he’s gone. In fact, everyone’s gone. The busily searching students, the madly-helping librarians; they’ve all vanished. The creepy green glow of Lumina makes you uneasy.
Just then, a lanky, mysterious character in a torn Bauhaus T-shirt and black trench coat strides through the spires of magnetic theft-prevention and into the light.
“Hey, do you know what’s going on?” you ask. “Did you see where everyone went?”
Peering at you through badly dyed, stringy black bangs, he harshly replies with in a raspy voice: “Everyone is out on the Mall, watching the mushroom cloud over the steam plant.”
“Oh,” you reply, embarrassed at your callousness, as you see another shadowy, trench-coated figure. This one dashes out of the Children’s Literary Research room and out onto the Mall, books in arm. You give chase, but stop when you see he has dropped a sheet of paper in his rush.
Before you can ponder all these mysterious happenings, the guy in the lobby speeds by you and down the stairs to your right, to the distress of the annoying theft alarm systems.

If you want to follow the book thief downstairs…See THE MYSTERIOUS BONY FINGER page 19
If you want to follow the literary figure onto the Mall….See ‘HEY YOU, I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU’ page 18
If you want to investigate the sheet of paper that he left behind…See SHOCKING JUXTAPOSITION page 6

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