Smoking up the social stratosphere

by Nancy Ngo

Joe Mammal sat on his porch, smoking a cigarette. He felt cool and it wasn’t because of the crisp air. It was something more. Something almost everyone can relate to.
We’ve all held one in our hand. Some of us have inhaled. Others of us continue to do so.
Only now University researchers have legitimized a new research practice called smoke psychology. As evidenced at a tobacco conference Sunday, a person’s social fate rests upon the type of cigarette they smoke.
Beyond practices ranging from dream to counseling psychology, it’s all in how you hold your cigarette or the brand you smoke that best reveals your personality, cigarette experts said.
“Such breakthrough analysis could determine whether or not you’re cool,” said one smoke psychology researcher.
He gave the example that if a person inhales Camel Lights, they probably can adapt more easily to social environments. He described Camels as the “hard core” cigarette.
“The people that smoke these don’t care what anyone else thinks — health experts, their mother, whoever — because they already have their place in society,” another expert said.
The conclusion is further substantiated by a study that observed people who are cool. Officials noticed that all of them smoked Camels.
Fiscally, it makes sense too. One can get the moderately priced cigarettes at 13 conveniently located stores across campus. More specific locations can be found on University bus advertisements.
Parliament smokers, on the other hand, are likely to be in the beginning stages of a potential nicotine fixation. They’re comfortable with themselves, but know they can never be as cool as Camel smokers.
Marlboro Lights smokers are usually not as cool nor comfortable with themselves. Some who smoke this brand aren’t regular inhalers and might just be trying to “fit in.”
The new research could have an enormous impact in the quest to be cool. “If someone sees you smoking a particular brand, they can now validate with scientific backing that you’re sheik or a geek,” an expert said.
Experts said up until the new psychology was introduced, socially inept and cool people didn’t even realize the meanings of their actions.
But a person can redeem themselves from these cigarette-related labels through other aspects of smoke psychology, one expert reminded conference members.
“As long as you don’t smoke light cigarettes, any brand is fine when fitting in because people can tell you’re a regular puffer,” he said.
One observer at the conference who asked about finding identity said she didn’t fit into a cool or geek category.
The expert reply:
“The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.”