IN NEED OF SOME RES…

IN NEED OF SOME RESTRAINT

From Father SimSaLaBim: Dear Most Esteemed Network,
The Circle of Satan is back to bring others into the fold. Alas, my plan to get a satanic student cultural center at the University has been thwarted by the God-lovers and do-gooders. If this is truly a “global campus,” should I not have the right to make my sacrifices using funding from student fees? Net: We are confused as to whether the dominion of Hell falls in the concept of ‘globe.’
Alas, this is not why I choose to write. It seems an acquaintance of mine (we’ll call him Lucifer) brought to my attention the letter from The 3rd Floor Middlebrook ‘Dirty Birds.’ Lucifer, knowing all and seeing all in the world, granted me permission to place my hands on his eyes, allowing me to see who the original writers of that letter were.
As it turns out, one of the “Dirty Birds” is a Canadian. Forgive him, for he knows not what he does. The day when a Canadian can join the Packers vs. Vikings debate is the day that Hell freezes over. You can understand the predicament I’m in, for how am I to continue my undying devotion to The Most Unholy when right now his serpent countenance is barely able to move in the Minnesota-like weather that has befallen The Wasteland? I guarantee that, as doomsday approaches, no Canadian will be spared victimization at the hands of Satan’s armies, whom I’ll be commanding. This will not be forgiven. The Beasts are upon us.
PURPLE DRIED

From Purple Pride 4 ever: I was reading Tuesday’s Network and was disappointed to see only entries from bandwagon fans (plus a Packers backer, who happens to be my roommate, but he is not who I wanted to respond to) Net: Wehopes you’d simply use some more archaic forms of communication. Speech, for instance. It would save us time who have too much time on their hands now that the two more weeks they planned to be Vikes fans is not going to happen. I can’t say that I am not just a little saddened to see my team lose to the “dirty birds” Net: Vexatious though it may seem, we wish to enter into the record here that said Atlanta moniker is presented as “Dirty Birdz.” but I also can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. They truly always looked like our stiffest competition, they were 14-2, and I will be proud to root for the team that beat us to win the Super Bowl. All you “fans” out there mad at the Vikes for not coming through for you, the loss is your fault more than anyone else’s. Net: Bandwagon fans are responsible for taking a knee on third-and-three with two timeouts and thirty seconds left in regulation? Hmm … You expected perfection out of a mere mortal, didn’t realize somebody isn’t that “mossome” Net: Spare us the trite phoeneticisms, puh-LEEZ especially when injured, didn’t see the fact that Robert Smith never really could run that well — he’s no Barry, and he isn’t strong enough to power through defensive linemen. I just want everyone to remember the players that to me are the Vikings: Carter, Glover, Steussie, R. McDaniel, Thomas, Randle, and all the rest that for the most part came through for us, the real fans. Not that Moss and Cunningham and others are not also impressive, but they’re new and not tested true Vikings. Net: You don’t, by chance, believe that professional wrestling is real, do you? I just want to make one last point, then my ranting will be complete, I was perfectly happy with the 9-7 Vikes, so frankly, I’m quite pleased with this season, and who knows what next year will bring. Net: Netsradamus knows what next year will bring. Not unlike the Packers and Broncos of the last few years, the Vikings will bounce back from their championship loss, only to enjoy an even more impressive season than the last. With a much tougher schedule, the Purple will finish the regular season once again 15-1, at which time the many maladies of the millennium shall take hold; as the world’s consciousness is melded into an evil collective, cities will tumble and burn, and football, not to mention mankind, will seem on the brink of ultimate doom. Fear not! Somewhere under darkness’ destructive cloak, a child will sit before a Commodore 64, tap-tapping away the genesis of doom’s demise …
BLUE DIAMONDS AND PURPLE HORSESHOES
From Cheri: Dear Network,
I’m getting CONCERNED by a lacking sense of sharing in our media today.
I was watching TV by myself, and first I saw this cheese commercial where this little girl wouldn’t share her cheese with someone who appeared to be her grandfather or baby sitter. This was followed by a soda commercial in which two people were snowboarding through the air in the starlight, about to share an unmentionable soda, when suddenly one character dumps the other character so that she can have the aforementioned soda all to herself.
Net: You seem to be forgetting about the rabbit who tries to act like a “kid” to avoid inevitable exclusion from partaking in a certain colorful breakfast cereal as he is discriminated against on the basis of his species; a certain leprechaun who, because he cannot avoid daydreaming about marshmallows, is always thwarted in his attempts to ensconce his provisions from greedy children; and a disingenuous neighbor who, in an ongoing series of unsuccessful attempts to leverage fruity, puffed rice from his “friend” via guilt and disguise, is inevitably detected and subsequently chased off into the horizon.
What? What is this? What kind of society do we live in when people start dumping all over each other so that they can greedily consume the entirety of a small can of sugar-water or a few slabs of lukewarm cheese? I am a strong advocate of the inner strength that comes with sharing Net: See: “Sesame Street,” circa 1977 and would even go so far as to share personal items such as underwear and deodorant. Net: Amazingly, we’ll leave this one alone. This type of sharing helps people form bonds that strengthen communities, and I would like to see more of these examples in advertising. Just thought I’d “SHARE” my thoughts with you.