From Nasty McShasty: What’s up, party people? I guess you could say there were a few “incidents” on campus last Thursday night, where some drunken moron (me) was causing some trouble and being a loud and obnoxious f&@k. Net: Drunk and embarrassing the McShasty family name. Tsk, tsk. Well, first of all, to the lovely waitress and fellow employees at Sally’s, I apologize for the 20 or so bowls of popcorn that ended up on the floor as a result of me throwing them all in the air, trying to catch a single kernel in my mouth (I don’t remember catching one, either). Net: Well, Houdini didn’t escape from the big glass box full of water the first time he tried, either. Oh, wait … maybe he did. I apologize to all the folks who were in the bathrooms (and other areas of the bar) when I so brilliantly found the fuse box and flipped about half the switches and turned off most of the lights while you guys (and gals) were doing your thing. Net: Actually, people looking through their booze-induced haze were probably impressed by the “wacked-out light show.” Next, I have to apologize to the massive football player who was at The Library, who I was sure I was annoying by asking him to flex a whole bunch of times and telling him he was the bomb and that I will be watching for him next season. Net: Annoyed? Gawd, the guy probably hired an agent the next morning. Thank you for not beating my ass, kind sir. Finally, I would like to apologize to all of the nice females who I had to gross out while puking the life right out of me in the women’s bathroom. Net: When you’re all grown up, son, you’ll realize the ladies think that kinda behavior is cuter than all get-out. So, to all the little kiddies out there who are under 21, take my advice: Don’t ever turn 21. And if you do, go hide out in a cave or something, because if you don’t, your friends will feed you mass quantities of alcohol, and you will have the most (un)memorable birthday, while being the focus of many stories (where people will bust a nut laughing at you) for years to come. Net: Our recommendation: When they buy you one shot, buy them two. The novelty will wear off in a hurry. Happy 21st birthday to me. Peace. Net: Only if you stay home, by the looks of it.
From Risky Bizniz: To all those (except those Augsburg f&@ks) who attended our St. Patty’s party: You’re the ones who make this world a hazy and inebriated place. Net: Funny, we thought that was Captain Morgan’s doing. Thanks for your lovin’ spoonful and all the cash you spent on tipping our vixenish but ineligible bartender (especially you, Jon Aune, for making this the 275-plus-pound celebrity parade it turned out to be). Net: He’s the one in charge of putting up the stools during timeouts at Williams Arena, right? (He’d probably get more time on the floor if he were …) To the police of Minneapolis: Because of your divided attention to the city, we’ll keep partying in a bacon-free environment for eons to come. Now, to those aforementioned Augsburg f&@ks who attempted to charge a dollar cover in our own penthouse: The next time we come across you desperados, we’ll hang ya high (’cause it’s a lot more fun than hanging ya sober). Net: Don’t hate them for being clever. That sort of entrepreneurial spirit should be applauded. By the way, I went to high school with Rollergirl … she’s tamer than an Amish nun on Prozac. That’s right, honey — you’re just a monogamous cooze in a wolf-like exterior. Net: We assume you mean our beloved Rollerdiva, who, by the way, must be busy mattress shopping ’cause we haven’t heard from her in some time. Some, ahem, jobs are not to be taken lightly.
From Numbman: Net, I gotta ask you a question. Net: That don’t mean we gotta answer it, Numbnuts. What the hell is with that stupid Unicycle Boy? I see this kid riding his one-wheeler all over campus. I mean, come on — what the hell is that all about? Who the hell rides a damn unicycle? Net: Maybe he’s a clown in training. Or maybe the poor guy is down on his luck and couldn’t afford a second wheel. Or maybe he’s an efficiency expert who sits around and wonders why so many people bother with the redundancy of “bicycles.” There could only be two possible reasons. Either A) he could be a dumbass, or B) he is a completely socially inept reject from Wisconsin. I choose the latter of the two. Net: Or both. This moron thinks he is impressing all of us with his talents for riding on one damn wheel. Net: HA! Next thing you know, he’ll be walking around on stilts and jumping into buckets of water from the top of the Gateway alumni center. Well, Unicycle Boy, YOU’RE NOT!!! You look like a damn fool up there on that one wheel, peddlin’ hard to keep up. Net: Perhaps he’s illustrating a metaphor for life. Aren’t we all really “peddlin’ to keep up?” I am going to give you a couple of pieces of advice — lose the unicycle, lose the Wisconsinite ‘look’ and get a damn two-wheeler! You are impressing absolutely no one! I guarantee that. And if you are, they are from Wisconsin, too! That is all. Net: Whoo-boy. Could we get some of that Amish Prozac for this kid?
THE JARHEAD SPEAKSFrom Nordic Horde: Errr, Net! Net: Yar! Narf! Derp! After bitterly serving five years in the Marine Corps, I’ve found I hate two things: getting up at 5 a.m. and Zeros — uh, I mean officers. Net: Here’s a fun game to play with Marines: 1) Call ’em “soldiers” 2) Run. Zeros are just overpaid morons who get credit for work that they’ve never done. Net: Around here, we call them “editor in chief.” Here’s how moronic the Zeros really are: On the billboard atop Starbucks on Fourth Street, the moronic Zeros, while trying to recruit more Zeros, mistakenly put a picture of one of us enlisted up there. Net: Whatta bunch of stupid bastards! Don’t they know every ad must be correct in every way? Good for us and bad for them. It also shows how inept the advertisement world truly is. Net: Umm … yeah. Anywho, for all you ROTC Nazis, just keep that in mind while you wet your pants in the military. Net: WARNING! ABRUPT TOPIC CHANGE! (Drop and give us 20!) As for MSA campaigns, “Vote None of the Above!” (Pryor, Richard; “Brewster’s Millions”.) Hey, Molohon, that is how you cite your work!!! Net: Thanks for the heads-up, Dr. MLA.