Net: Before we get off on our usual tangents, we need to:
STOP THE PRESS!!!
For SURGE tour ’98! Yes, this is a Public Service Announcement coming your way from SURGE, the real leaders of the University. Today — yes, TODAY, the SURGE Spring Break Team will bring music, prizes and Spring Break information to sun and surf-starved students to help get them psyched for SPRING BREAK ’98!!!!!!!
Here are the details. A bright green, SURGE-branded, 30-foot Coachman RV will arrive on-campus, fully equipped with a TV, EA Sports video games, silk palm trees and a stereo system. At the SURGE Spring Break site, students will find maps to key spring break hot spots like South Padre Island, Texas, and Panama City, Fla., where SURGE will be hosting games and contests. There will also be coupons for SURGE, snacks and video games.
The SURGE Spring Break Team will be at Coffman Union from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. — so check it out! This message has been brought to you by the University, a proud subsidiary of Coca-Cola, Inc.
And now, on to the mail.
CLINTON COPS ON PATROL
Net: Shawn Fein’s letter about President Clinton generated much response. Today, we have a sampling:
From Princess of Power: Hey, this is in response to Shawn Fein’s rant about Clinton on Monday.
I feel like I’m obligated to clear some things up for people, since people seem to be getting morality mixed up with the legal issues Clinton is facing. In all honesty, the case isn’t incredibly serious because what is going on is that if Clinton can be proven to have had an affair with Lewinsky, he will have perjured himself. That’s the issue here, and it would be fairly serious except that perjuring yourself because of adultery is nearly never prosecuted.
So, in all likelihood, we’re just going to go on like we have been, and Clinton isn’t going to be impeached. I just wish people would educate themselves on the situation before they went spouting off about our “right” to impeach a president. It’s a hell of a lot more complicated than that. Anyway, all this sensationalist morality is overshadowing the fact that we’re bombing Iraq in the face of worldwide opposition. That’s sicker than any sex scandal could be — and both Democrats and Republicans are responsible. Or who knows, maybe I’m so immoral that I can’t tell the difference between what’s important (the president’s sex life) and what isn’t (the fact that we, as a nation, run around terrorizing the world and telling everyone else not to do exactly what we do). I’m going to stop ranting-thanks for the forum.
From Big Queen On Campus: Oh great and mighty Network! To Shawn Fein, you’re the type of right-wing conservative who would be monitoring everyone’s bedroom if you had your way! Talk about pervert! Leave Bill Clinton alone, for cryin’ out loud!
He’s just a human just like you (well, that may be questionable) and me, and what he’s done in his private life CERTAINLY has no bearing on his capability to lead the country. In fact, I’m kinda reassured by the fact that our president can have mistakes too.
From Yngwie to Shawn Fein: You dope-addled fascist bastard! If I have to hear any more any more bull about impeaching the President, I am going to run over every last College Republican I see with a tank. So far everything I have heard has been roughly this: “Blah blah blah immoral blah blah grope blah blah sex blah blah blow job. So let’s impeach him because he can’t do his job.” Can’t do his job?? What does that have to do with sex?
So far, Clinton hasn’t accidentally obliterated any small countries, shot any college students, or sent the deficit into the sky. Looking at the records of past presidents, that’s a pretty big accomplishment. The only incompetence having anything to do with sex would revolve around his ability to bring women to orgasm, and so far I haven’t heard anybody say Clinton’s an “old softie.”
Perhaps people just need to reflect on some statistics. Seventy percent of men and 50 percent of women have extramarital affairs. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Literally dozens of people have sex every day. So who do we have as our president? Jesus Christ, we’ve elected somebody who’s just like us! How could that happen? I mean, come on people, the President of the United States of America has always been a divine figurehead who is God’s chosen speaker on Earth! We can’t have a mere human as our leader! What would the Russians say?
So the president has more sex in a month than you do in a year. Join a swingers’ club or something. Just shut the hell up about wanting to fire someone for getting a little. Sounds like a bunch of sexually frustrated people to me, don’t you think so?
From Frostman: I’m writing to address this Shawn Fein diphead. In his absurd letter he not only claims that Clinton isn’t a virtuous president, but that virtue should have anything to do with who leads our country. First off, who are you to decide who, or for that matter, what, is or is not virtuous?
Are you some kind of expert on the matter? Second, Clinton is obviously one of our most upstanding Presidents. Every aspect of his life has been examined 100 times and nobody’s been able to find spit. You’d think after spending all that time and money they’d have found SOMETHING. Third, Wake Up Call is correct. Even if he did shag Lewinsky rotten, what business is it of mine?
Oh — he lied about it. OF COURSE HE DID — IT WAS AN AFFAIR! Like he’s gonna say, “Yeah, she practically sucked my dick clean off!” He’s got a daughter for Christ’s sake! Thanks, Net, for allowing some forward thinking into your little section here. Net: Well, we’re not sure how forward it all is, but there was definitely a lot of it, and we tried to squeeze in as much as we could (notwithstanding the all-important Surge announcement, of course). Keep ’em coming. We might just have a democracy here.
