Net: Is it Wednesday already? Boy, this week is just rushing by with the speed of a Special Olympics hurdler (yes, this line is shamelessly ripped from one of those “motion pictures”).
Did you read Dr. Date today? Of course you didn’t: IT DOESN’T EXIST.
From Abbey Someone to Attack Squirrel: Because of the overabundance of homeless guys on this campus, Net: Most of them were probably driven from their fungus-contaminated homes I propose that we start the BWA (Bum Wrestling Association). I have already signed on to manage my favorite bum, the bearded black guy. Net: Maybe we can have the fights on the new theatre/boat thing From this point on, he shall be known as “Ghetto Grizzly Adams,” a name that shall strike fear into the crack-damaged hearts of all bums on this campus. As for me, I will be the greatest manager of all time. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Mr. Fugi, and Jimmy Heart all rolled into one, I will be. Thus, “Ghetto Grizzly Adams” and I challenge any bum in the Twin Cities area to a winner-take-all wrestling match, any time and any place. We will put a week’s worth of panhandling revenue and half a bottle of rubbing alcohol up against anyone who dares step into the squared circle with the Grizzly. Net: Any takers? We bet the crazy coffee cup guy would kick Grizzly’s ass with his secret attack, ‘The hot coffee spinning arm of doom’
From SHAZBOT: Arr, Net! Sorry, no interesting break stories here, Net: So, why again did you write in? the break was too NUTing short. I’d like to congratulate you on outlasting Dr. Date, Net: Yeah, we have mad stamina that’s pretty impressive. Now, tell me, what the hell is up with Last Semester? Net: We personally wanted either ‘Steve Roper and Mike Nomad’ or maybe ‘Prince Valiant’ No, I’m not talking about Fall 2000, I’m talking about the horrible new addition to The Minnesota Daily that reminds me of Melcher. Why? Because it’s stupid and it makes no sense, just like Caseous. And it’s only been printed for a day! Avery compacting trash with his foot isn’t very humorous. Net: We were also disappointed with Avery’s character development. He showed such promise in the first frame but then degenerated into white Anglo-Saxon stereotypes I laughed more while reading Dr. Date. Speaking of Dr. Date, here are a couple suggestions on what to replace him with:
1) Pornography Net: You mean you don’t get enough from us? (see figure ##1)
2) A section where every week a group of individuals are criticized for their beliefs and/or existence (i.e. animal rights activists and freaky-looking art majors). Net: Again, don’t we do this enough for you? That’s It!
From Wanna-be Dr. Date: You know life is bad when a goofy-looking mascot is getting more action then you are. And what’s the deal with Goldy anyway? Net: We think he enjoys getting passed up through the crowd WAY too much. You ever seen that orgasmic grin on his face? (also viewable on the Campus Connector) Every time I pass by that thing, I can never tell if we are the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers, or the University of Minnesota Golden Beavers. Net: (Insert your own Net comment here) I don’t know if I’m supposed to shake hands with that thing or build it a dam! Uh … Gophers live in dams don’t they? The only dam I got for Goldy is a God Damn! Yes, I’m pissed off … I’m pissed that the Vikings lost again … Net: It’s OK, the Giants apparently cheated and will soon forfeit the game, making the Vikings the winners! In other sports news, Mike Ditka is apparently being interviewed for the Gophers head coach! You heard it here first I’m pissed that a 6-ft rat is getting more action than me … I’m pissed that I moved to California and the weather here is just as bad as it is in Minnesota. And I’m pissed that yelling at my computer and banging on it won’t fix it! Net: Using a Mac? That’s the way they do it in cartoons, how come it doesn’t work in real life? What Da Dilio Bill Gates? All right, I’m done ranting … Ok maybe just one more thing … VIKINGS SUCK!
From Rodent-Rooter: I feel the need to respond to Notablond‘s entry yesterday, claiming that Goldy stood her up. Net: Can you blame him? She is obviously not a blonde and therefore unattractive and unskilled in the sweet methods of physical love What she failed to mention is that “Goldy” tried to pick her up at a women’s basketball game. The “Goldy” in this case, many people do not realize, is not the same beloved Goldy that roams the sideline at football and men’s basketball games. Net: He’s just one of Goldy’s helpers This “Goldy” is but a bastard relative, disowned by the family and relegated to a position lower than that of Goldy, or even the State Fair Gophers, that of women’s athletic mascot. Net: Goldie (the female mascot, as opposed to Goldy, the male mascot) would be more popular if anatomically correct Not to knock the lady athletes, of course, but they get nowhere near the exposure and following of our men, Net: We love Nicole Branagh and wish for a discreet rendezvous with her and thus their mascot does not occupy the high position held by the men’s Goldy. However, this “Goldy” tries to ride the coattails of the real Goldy, and does things like try to pick up girls at games, definitely unmascotlike behavior. It is high time this deplorable situation be brought into the light of day. Net: Indeed
From GopherhockeyFrau: OK, I have had one day of class, and already, cell phones have gone off in each of my three classes today. Net: Three classes? What are you trying to do, graduate? People, what the NUT is wrong with you? How inconsiderate and asinine can you be? Net: Very Don’t leave your phone on in class; you are a loser, you have no friends, so you don’t need it. And for God sakes, don’t answer the phone, as that freshman-like boy did in my German class today. “Dude, I am in class right now.” Net: “Duden, Ich bin in meinem klassen jetzt” Dude, we know you have no friends, put that goddamn phone somewhere where we won’t hear it, or tell your mom not to call you anymore. And by the way, hockey NUTing rules. You should do more stories on John Pohl. Net: We’re trying to get a whole series of articles on John’s pole Á stay tuned
