Dear Dr. Date,The…

Dear Dr. Date,
The other night, while my significant other and I were participating in an “anatomy study session,” we reached the part of the lesson where I am on my back, and she is giving some oral lessons to my wein. After a short while, I felt myself at climax, and, feeling that conditions were right for a maximum trajectory, I warned her of the upcoming shot. She was able to take cover, but, much to my surprise, my left eye fell victim to a load of swimmers. Severe pain immediately set in, and my eye became as red as a tomato. I have since noticed a slight loss of my peripheral vision. Here are my questions: Could this incident cause permanent eye damage? Second, my partner finds my distance to be unique; is this ability unusual? Lastly, although I know the size of my wein isn’t the largest, is there a possibility of a career in the porn industry with my special ability?
-The Red-Eyed Sniper

Perhaps this is why they say you’ll go blind from masturbating so much. As you could probably guess, there are not many incidents of sperm-eye contact. If your symptoms persist, then go see a doctor. And next time, by all means, don’t point that thing at people.
In the past, I’ve fielded questions from readers who, like you, were curious about their ability to ejaculate impressively. Though I have searched exhaustively, I have yet to find any useful information regarding this important subject. This leaves us with no choice but to do our own experiments, guys. Next time you get the opportunity, measure the distance of your best ejaculation, and send the results to me. I will then delete them without reading them. I have more important things to do.
Comparing ejaculatory distance is akin to comparing the size of your penis. We all know that it’s not the distance that matters, but the accuracy. As for a career in the porn industry, you may have a shot. There are an amazing number of videos, photographs and Web sites that fall under the genre of cum-shot porn. If you could perform entertaining tricks (such as extinguishing a row of candles from across the room), then you would theoretically improve your chances. Then again, perhaps I’ve mistakenly assumed the porn industry has standards of excellence or, for that matter, any standards at all.
(Don’t forget about Dr. Date’s March Mixer! Friday, March 3 at the Weisman Art Museum.)