Netework: NordicHorde; IT’sNOTTTheGopher; CrAcK

>Well Networkia, either the one fella won, or t’other, or we don’t know jes’ yet. Unfortunately, our deadline prevents us from commenting on last night’s results. Our usual omniscience doesn’t extend to predicting the behavior of dirty-tricks operatives and corrupt secretaries of state. What we will say is that whatever has happened, we expect to see loyal Networkians supporting Network. Assuming the worst, if anyone has a spare Armalite he or she’d like to donate to the cause of freedom, please send it to Network c/o The Minnesota Daily, 2301 University Ave. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55414. Remember to use a carrier approved for the transport of hazardous material.

From NordicHorde

Once again our rabid Golden Gophers are in the process of choking their strong start of the season down the tubes. Now that I’m graduated and working, I try to defend our football team week in and week out; I’m at a loss. Now I say thank you Mr. Glenn “Overpaid” Mason for raising the Gopher football program from garbage to mediocrity, which is quite a feat. Now we need a coach that can bring the Gophers back to glory of the 1960 team. Let’s start calling, “Spurrier!!! Spurrier!!! Spurrier!!!” Yes, let’s get the Gophers out of their (gopher) hole and put them on top where they belong!!!!! Net: Thanks, NordicHorde!!!!! If exclamation points could win sporting contests, the Gophers would be going to a bowl game!!!!

From It’sNOTTheGopher

Captain Kickass? Robot Ninjas? What, are we like seven? Any college-age individual still messing around with pirates and ninjas needs to get laid as soon as humanly possible. (Check out the slutty girl in Dr. Date) Net: Which one? Anyways, our mascot has nothing to do with the performance of our athletic teams. C’mon, you think a Hoosier is tough? What the NUTT is a Hoosier anyways? The problem is that our fans suck. End of story. Football games are pathetic (no thanks to the Metrodome); all the good seats are taken by old farts that sit their quietly while the students are relegated to the corners. Ever been to a Wisconsin game? Don’t get me wrong, I hate Wisconsin just as much as everyone else, but it’s a crazy atmosphere. Naked students, drunk students and more naked students. Net: Plus, they riot every year, and they don’t let their student association president cow them into submission. We need to take back our athletic events and give the opposing team hell! Let’s start with hockey series against the Badgers this weekend. Get rowdy, throw stuff at the opposing hockey players, kidnap their sisters … whatever it takes. What do you say Networkia? Net: So maybe it’s the FANS who should be more piratical? Arrgh!

From CrAcK

Oh Net, do I got a duzzie for you. So I’m sittin’ in class the other day and all of a sudden this chick in white pants stands up and swiftly exits the room. Less than a minute later she comes back in (mind you even swifter this time) grabs her things and leaves. I couldn’t really figure it out until, WHAM! you could smell it. Poop! Yup, stinky river. I think this chick craped her pants, left for the bathroom and could feel it movin’ or something so she turned around to go get her stuff before she even got to the bathroom. I still don’t know why we could all smell it though. I think she might have gotten some on her shoes or maybe she got some on her hands when she checked to see if it was all clean. So if you see this girl with white pants on and a mud stain on her butt, it’s probally not mud! Net: We’re sure the entire campus thanks you for that information. Of course, you might just have been smelling your upper lip.