Due to continuous demand (and what appears to be serious necessity), I’ve decided to put together a quick guide to dating for a little romantic success in 2009. I’m not claiming that this will work for everyone (anyone, for that matter). Basically, this can, at best, be considered a guide to dating me when I feel like complying.
When you find someone that seems potentially date-worthy, try and nab their attention. This can be accomplished in a number of ways. You could cough loudly a tad too close to them. At least, they’ll be worried about catching what you have. Try knocking something loud and clattery over near them so they can offer their assistance in picking some of it up. If they don’t help you out, they probably weren’t worth the effort anyway. Of course, there is the risky move of initiating conversation out of the blue, but this often results in hurt feelings, so a more indirect route is usually preferred.
Let’s assume you’ve successfully obtained a phone number. Now, this is very important. DO NOT MAKE CONTACT BY TEXTING. I feel like that needed to be in caps because it is a common misconception. Until you’ve actually spoken with someone face to face about something that was not harassment for a phone number, try to seem aloof and apathetic. Eagerness is overbearing an annoying. Do not attempt to get to know someone fully before you’ve ever really sat down. When you first call, the conversation should go something like this:
“Hello?”
“Hey, this is Mike from Jetset. Do you feel like getting together on Friday evening?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay, great. If you like Italian, I know this great little place in Uptown. I’ll pick you up around seven.”
This conversation went well for several reasons. First, have a plan when you call. If you call and ask the other person to immediately make a decision, you are already setting yourself up for failure. Second, Mike immediately identified himself. If the one you’re wooing is worth dating, they probably have a few people on hold and can’t be bothered to juggle who is who. Also, Mike also has a car. Get a car.
On your first date, it’s important to make your needs known. If you’re looking for a long term relationship and have been waiting to settle down, drop subtle hints that are sure to scare away commitophobes. Say things like “Maybe we could get one of those programs to put our faces together and see what our children will look like,” or, “Wow, you’re prettier than when I looked you up on Facebook and printed out all of your pictures and Photoshopped our faces onto beach bodies and sent out Christmas cards to my extended family.” If you’re looking for a quick hookup to inspire your ex’s jealousy, make sure to take pictures with your phone and “accidentally” send them where they need to go. Make sure your date knows what you’re doing. It will eliminate confusion later.
Important steps in maintaining a healthy relationship:
– Attempt to remain semi-apathetic in an effort to not seem clingy
– When your pseudo-significant other is not responding to frequent text messages, try spacing them out a bit. Also, try not to continually apologize for the deluge of contact attempts.
– Seem nice and put together, but with an adventurous streak. Say things like, “Oh I’ve always wanted to try sky-diving” and “Oh yeah, once I lived in Amsterdam and had to take turns staying awake to make sure we weren’t killed in that alley.” Honesty is only a bonus in the category.
– Maintain your appearance. Like Nelly, if you were wearing a band-aid on the first date, make sure the band-aid takes up a consistent residence on your face. That way, if your date have given you a nickname based on that band-aid, you will be instantly recognizable.
More than likely, your relationship will end in failure. Try to get creative when breaking off the pseudo-relationship. While in many cases simply ignoring the fact that person exists is a sure-fire sign of failure, try to do something interesting like sending one of those singing cards that features “Leave (Get Out Right Now)” by Jojo when it’s opened. Invite them to a Karaoke bar and sing “Breaking Up” by Rilo Kiley. Or, you could send them on a scavenger hunt much like when you were asked to prom in high school. Leave a flower with a letter and clue attached at each place. If intelligent enough, they’ll be able to figure out it reads “Um, It’s Over. Love, John.”
Though, numbering the letters might be a good move. You know, just in case.
