Net: Hmm … July 6…

Net: Hmm … July 6, and all is quiet on the North Ridge … the author of today’s first letter is obviously a newbie — NO, NOT ALONZO NEWBY! SHEESH!
Last year, our esteemed and imperturbable president was gracious enough to submit a (albeit cautious and bowdlerized) letter about some program or something. We don’t remember, and we’re too lazy to search our archives.
We like this version better.

From VERBL: Hey, Net. I just had a thought. Does Mark Yudof read Network? Net: Yes. Hey, Mark! And if so, does he ever reply? Net: Yes. See above. I bet his reply might sound a little something like this … Net: It didn’t, but we likes it.
From Foduy Kram: Oh all inspiring and gracious Net, I have been at this University for the past couple years now, and I read the Network every day. I have a very stressful job, and the bit o’ wit every morning really turns my crank. Net: So does that HUGE Ford Expedition you drive to work every morning. Sheesh, man … you haulin’ the entire freshman seminar class to campus in that thing? You guys should print this paper every day of the summer. If funding is a problem, I might be able to pull some strings. I pull a lot of weight around here, and a bit more money is becoming available because of a little athletic controversy. Net: Wahhhht … that $1.5 million you gave Clem is gonna kick back or something? My problem, I lost my keys and I wonder if anyone has found them. They are attached to a key chain with one of those leather U Card holders that says “bad ass mother” on it. I either lost them in Morrill Hall or somewhere in the Mortuary Science department. I will invite whoever returns the keys to my house for dinner. Net: That and an entire class of CLA graduates. THAT had to be a rowdy one. Thanx a lot, and happy hunting.
Net: Very true to form; wethinks it’s time the REAL Markie Yudof got in on the fun. Prez?
From WeePeePee the unmitigated: As plans for WeePeePee‘s Exodus ’99 continue, I am happy to report that my parents are loaning me their minivan so I can take about five people with me, the rest of you will probably have to work out some sort of carpooling arrangement. Net: C’mon, Pee … you fratboys can all squeeze into a phone booth … what’s wrong with the family truckster? Also, my sources in NC have informed me that Pig’s Eye beer and China White are difficult to come by down there, so I am gonna need someone to volunteer to stock up their car before we leave. Don’t worry, we’ll pass the hat and reimburse you when we get to Chapel Hill. I have managed to secure temporary housing for all of us in a Motel 6 located only three miles from campus. Net: They’ll leave the light — AND the ice machine — on for you. I know, I know, Motel 6 sux but the only other option was to live in the dorms and I’ll go to school here for another year before I live in a dorm again. As for Pharaoh Yudof, since you have patently refused to grant my people freedom and keep charging us those damn student services fees, the Lord is hereby unleashing his first plague upon your land. Even as we speak, your precious campus is being besieged and infested by wave after wave of 18-year-old high school kids, wandering aimlessly about with their mouths agape, pretending to listen to their New Student Weekend Counselors — all the while worrying about how to find out where all the parties will be held when they come to school in the fall. Net: Our guess — your house. This shall continue until you repent and all of my Gopherites have been freed from their shackles. And be warned Pharaoh, we gots six more plagues up our sleeve that’ll make those ones in “The Ten Commandments” seem as annoying as a whoopee cushion (locusts, oohhh scary). You have been warned …
As for everyone else, make your reservations for WeePeePee‘s Exodus ’99 (brought to you by the good people of Pepsi — not that other cola — Pepsi) today! Spots are filling up fast, although unlike the University, I guarantee that everyone who signs up on time will get a room and not have to live in a lounge. Plus, I am going to need volunteers for the following leadership positions: VP of drug management, VP of free-loving, VP of pain and humiliation, Philanthropy Chair (we must give back to NC as well as take from), and someone willing to be my lackey and boot-lick (preferably female — sorority experience and tight, black pants a plus). All apps will be considered, (‘cept from EasyRider — that kid is too annoying to be on my staff!) Just send ’em to the Network. Thank you and get ready.

From Anonymous: Hey, Network. What’s up? Net: It’s a preposition, indicating direction. But that’s not important right now. Anyway, I need to rant and rave here a little bit, just to get a few things off of my chest.
1) To the a-hole sitting at computer X-5 in Walter Library, USE THE COMPUTER YOU SIGNED IN ON! It’s a pain in the ass for me — who has a lab report due in an hour — to sign in on five different computers. That, and learn to speak English. Net: It’s a pain in the ass for you to learn to speak English?
b) To my Calc 5 teacher, GO TO HELL. You teach right out of the damn book and I learn nothing in your class. Net: One word? Skip. I can’t understand a word you say and I seriously doubt that you can teach us something when your test averages are at 22. What does that tell you about your teaching?
4) Dr. Date needs to be improved. He sucks. It used to be good, but now it’s all about people not able to find anyone or too chicken to ask. JUST SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD AND MAKE IT EASIER FOR ME!!! I need sex. Sex Sex Sex. The last really good Dr. Date was the one about the man with the testicle the size of an apple … and that was fake! I know who wrote it.
g) This campus needs more beer. I drink. I drink during class. I drink in my sleep. I can’t drink enough.
Thank you. Net: Do you feel better now? I feel better now. Net: Good.