Although you were curious about the shadowy figure, the magnetic presence of Nils on the balcony lures you toward the house. As you stumble toward the radiant Hasselmo, you realize you are not alone.
Throngs of students have gathered. They’re waving signs, carrying banners and holding portraits of the University president high over their heads. Some of the thousands of students are smiling, many are moved to tears, but you still don’t understand what’s happening.
Then the music, though faint at first, rises and takes on a familiar tune. The cogs of the universe seem to magically click into place as the music reaches a crescendo, a spotlight casts its beam on the balcony and Nils Hasselmo steps up to the silver microphone. Suddenly, it all makes perfect sense. He raises his arms to the crowd and begins to sing:
“Don’t cry for me, Minnesota, the truth is I’m not from Sweden/All through my career/My home was right here/In academia/Not Scandinavia.
“Don’t cry for me, Minnesota, I gave you U2000/Oh, I fought so hard/To get the U Card/The U’s still spendy/But user-friendly.
“Don’t cry for me, Minnesota, the truth is I’ll never leave you/That guy Mark Yudof/His head got chewed off/By a dorm resident/I’m still your president.
“Don’t cry for me, Minnesota, I’m taking you all to Baja/We’ll have a clam bake/On our big spring break/We’ll go together/Like chains and leather.”
Oh, for joy! Not only is Nils taking you to Baja, he’s into S&M! You let out a rapturous “Woo-hoo!” and fall down into the snow. As you make gleeful snow angels, you can already feel the warm ocean breeze across your face. You close your eyes and feel the toasty sand between your toes.
The next morning University Police Sgt. Joe May covers up your frozen body, curled up on the Eastcliff front porch. He tells Nils, who discovered your body when he went out to get the morning paper, that a full investigation will be launched.
“Most likely, this student just snapped,” he says. “Stress of finals, you know. The saddest part is, we found a ticket to Baja in this kid’s back pocket. Could have been on the beach by now.”