Good morrow, Networ…

Good morrow, Networkians! We’re told the snow has all but melted, and the sun is gently caressing thine resplendent visages on a daily basis. Spring is nigh; and spring fever has arrived early this year — you are a lovelorn bunch. It’s time for action.
To anyone who spots a lovely lad or handsome maiden today, we offer this: Hail them. If someone makes eyes at you, don’t look away. Firmly fixate. Say hello. Do not hesitate! Tell them your name. Ask them if they read Network. If they say yes — you have the perfect excuse. It’s these words, right here. If they don’t, hand them this copy. Point to this:

THE PERSON WHO HANDED YOU THIS COPY OF NETWORK FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE, AND WOULD BE HONORED TO ENGAGE YOU IN A CASUAL, NON-THREATENING SETTING. IF YOU RESPECTFULLY DECLINE, NO BIG DEAL.

Today is your day, faithful Networkians, to find each other’s faces, and cut out the coyness. Look up. Look around. She’s in your class. He’s on your bus. Smile at each other. Now you know. Talk.
Do it now. King T is coming; the loveless will suffer the most. Let us know how it goes. (Just do us a favor — respect that no means no).
Now, we’ll oblige the last of the hookup letters, but after that, we’re done playing Dr. Date.
Onward:
A MAY/DECEMBER TO REMEMBER
From Nicer-one: Monday night at That Place On Como, I was partaking in a friendly game of cribbage, Net: Yeah — um — you had knobs and you didn’t peg it when this old guy (in his 50s I would say) Net: Old?! buys this magnificently beautiful YOUNG girl a nice glass of orange juice. I thought that was funny enough, but then out of some kind of obligation, she starts chatting with this guy … anyways, now she is facing this loony old guy (and I was at the table next to the guy … so more importantly, she’s facing me too!). He starts making small talk and I was just smiling to myself and trying to catch a glance from this girl hoping to get a giggle out of her or something. While old guy was telling her about how he was going to take her to the Bahamas for a 6 day-7 nite weekend, Net: Starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche I was thinking about thinking about Net: Who is this … Rain Man? asking her if she’d like to come over to my place and play some Paperboy on the good ole Nintendo (I got mad Paperboy skillz!!). Net: No. Orange juice trumps Paperboy. Try a low-fat strawberry smoothie. What I really want to say though is that I did catch a few glances and giggles, and I would have liked to talk to her, but she was with another guy, and I didn’t feel like catching a beatdown. Net: From grandpa? But on my way out, I gave a quick look back and BLAMMO! … yep … she’s looking back at me. Net: Apologies to Roy Orbison. If you are out there … you know who you are. And Network … if you get a response to this, please pass on my e-mail addy. In closing I would like to say to the Network … I love ya like a milkshake!!!
From Lurking Shadows: In reply to Dfonzarelli, two things! Don’t be a gutless “what I should have, could of” person because you’ll spend the rest of your life making up excuses and then convince yourself of their validity. Second, the day I balance a rejection from a woman with the concrete slab comfort of an A- in physics is the day I don’t almost get hit by a car driven by the morons who shoot through the pedestrian crossing near the back entrance of the east bank library. hmmmmmmm, pedestrian crossing = giving way to pedestrians, but in reality it is pedestrian crossing = chance to mow down pedestrian. Net: That depends entirely on whether you’re driving or walking. Good riddance to all morons, and have yourself a suppressed day filled with society’s pressure to conform (no true freedom).

GET SOME
From The Booty-Whack Billy Blanks: Woe is me Network! Please show your divine mercy and don’t smite us all. I write to you for I must enlighten the people of this world to a dark menace known as Trojan Brand Shared Sensation condoms! “Shared Sensation” is in fact a phrase of false premise. Net: A specious prophylactic promise, to be sure. I’ve know a tale or two of people whom have described their experience as follows … “I was a two pump guy, now I find myself to be a one pump guy.” Net: You guys don’t need condoms, you need freakin’ galoshes. The men of the world are losing the battle of pre-mature ejaculation. New “better feeling” condoms must be eliminated! This is a call to arms men of the world! My comrades, we men must masturbate before we get with a woman for our time here is fleeting! The women are waking up! Net: Yeah, and the men are falling asleep. The conversion from pre-mature ejaculation to impotence is upon us! So next time you’re going to put a hat on your Jimmy, or a raincoat on your Willie, put on a balloon instead!

SUBTLE SUBTLETY
From The Dogg: Hail almighty network! What up all you all badasses?!? Net: All us is all up in arms that you would presume to lowercase our hallowed name. Ok, so now that intro’s are taken care of I’d like to spout off about the lack off coolness on this campus. Net: You’d seem to be the expert on that subject. You know, me and the boy have spent many a night drunk off our asses wandering this campus scopin’ for some mighty fine hotties to lay the mack down on, but alas, all we have seen past 11 p.m. has been a couple of horny squirrels going at it in the bushes. Net: You’re missing the 10:30 sex rush-hour when hordes of mack depositories, a.k.a. women, wander lustily through campus. That really bites, man. What’s up with all the PHAT dolls who come out and shake it for the homies only to end uptakin it back like a bad X-Mas present? Net: You’ve lost us. Nurse! That is so not cool. Not to mention the pain caused by a bad case of blue-balls… OUCH!!!!! So keep it real up in the feel y’all hotties … Give it up and everyone will be a winner … Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay … Net: Like he said. Now would you quit reading this and just talk to him/her?!