Net: Good morrow, mirthful Networkians! A providential Tuesday to you all!
Today we are happy to announce that all inquiries will be automatically deferred to our good friend, the Minister of Concurrence. We will take care of additional interpolation. Ready, Minister?
MOC: Yes.
Net: Onward then.
PHLEGM … PHLEGM FOR FANTASY
From Phlegm of Discontent: Is it just me or has the subjugation of the Third World lost its fun? MOC: Yes. They seem more eager to fight amongst themselves than against my clone minions. And the industrialized nations are too busy pounding Third World countries to notice my jackbooted thugs. But, the problems of being a megalomaniacal mad scientist seem to float away with the warm weather. That, and five pints of Guinness.
I’ve set my super-intelligent lab mice to the task of destroying the sun. It’s a major source of radiation and it causes global warming. And Bobo is hard at work ridding the world of dihydrogen monoxide, a major component of acid rain. His method, drinking it one glass at a time, leaves much to be desired. What is this? Has Phlegm turned enviro-freak? MOC: Yes … I mean … no. Not bloody likely. I’m just trying to confuse the tree huggers. Not that it’s difficult, mind you. All I have to do is spout some arcane quantumchromodynamical jargon and they’ll be out protesting oxygen because it is responsible for forest fires. It’s just more fun this way.
Things have started to look good now that I’ve retrieved my 1973 Gas Guzzler from the shop. Now, I can switch between the ear-shattering roar of Super-Hydrocarbon-Spew Mode or the eye-pleasing glow of Nuclear Fission Mode. Five gallons of gas or 70 curies per mile, either one makes me want to grunt like Tim Allen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play with my new toy.
RING OF FIRE
From Monitor Station: Must the fire alarm in my dorm be pulled on a daily basis? MOC: Yes. “Drills.” Do people get a joy out of pulling a little red handle? MOC: Yes. I don’t understand the enjoyment out of it. Do they like seeing 600 people schlep out of their rooms at the wee hours of the night in their pajamas? MOC: Yes. I sure don’t like seeing people at 4 in the morning. I’m sure people don’t want to see me at 4 in the morning. MOC: Yes they do. To all of those fire alarm pullers, you are a bunch of idiots and you need to find something that is a little more productive. I have one more thing to write about. Net: No. I can’t stand it when Net: NO! Enough of you! MINISTER!
MOC: Yes?
Net: Shall we cut him off?
MOC: Yes.
Net: Very well then. Onward. (This is why we like the Minister of Concurrence).
INFO-LIFE
From In search of a 12-step program: O Mighty and Benevolent Network: I am addicted to … infomercials. Net: We shall call you Opus from now on. Ask Peewee. I don’t know why, but I find myself transfixed by the Ronco Food Dehydrator. I know that Steve Garvey really cares about my cellulite and wants me to be healthy, lose weight and eat the foods I want. I want to shampoo my rugs and not have to clean them with those bulky steam cleaners, all the while buying property with no money down and selling them using tiny classified ads out of my one-bedroom apartment. The cheesy graphics are hypnotizing — it gets in my head, and I have no choice but to order!!! Is this part of a plot by an ultra-powerful world enclave to help me avoid thinking about the problems of the world and go deep into credit card debt to stimulate the economy? MOC: Yes. Is this the same group that’s ousting Clem? MOC: Yes. Point me in the right direction, O great Network, for once I know the cause, I can find help for my pain. Net: Kill your television. It’s that simple. Right, Minister?
MOC: Yes.
FORGET DR. DATE, WE GOT REAL SEX RIGHT HERE
From Dr. Wilcoxon: Hail mighty Network! I have a story to tell. Net: Who doesn’t, eh, Minister? MOC: Yes. Thursday night, about 1 a.m., I was out for a stroll. I was lost in contemplation right in front of the physics building when I noticed a girl, sitting on the other side of the Mall. At first I paid little attention, but when I looked again, I thought “Is it just me, or is that girl not wearing any pants?” Then I noticed a guy lying next to her, and before I knew it, she was straddling him and they started having sex right there on the Mall! I was about 30 yards away, and I don’t think they noticed me. I suppose their attention was otherwise engaged. Net: Interesting word choice. We suppose their conception would render them otherwise engaged, too. So I just shook my head and kept walking. These, I think, are strange times. MOC: Strange, yes.
TRY THIS AT HOME
Game of the Day from Me to You:
1) Walk around campus until you come across a security monitor. Net: We have these?
2) Run up to this quickly, and stand about 2 to 3 feet from them.
3) Yell “You’ll Never Get Me Copper!!!!!”
4) Run like a Bat Out of Hell (or Meatloaf). Net: Anyone who runs like Meatloaf is bound to be caught.
I hope you have many zany hijinx with this one. Net: And we hope you don’t work for Milton Bradley.
That’s all for today, Networkians. Our thanks to the Minister of Concurrence for his contributions. Did you have fun today, Minister?
MOC: Yes.
Net: We knew you did.
