.Time was, not so long ago, when Network would offer up a Haiku contest, folk would jump at the chance to see the ol’ 5-7-5’s in print. Nearly a week, now, since just such a call went out, and I have not, as yet, seen so much as a limerick. Net: Standards are slipping. Do you remember last year when someone sent us an honest-to-Jah sonnet? For shame, Networkia, for shame! Not to be hypocritical, I humbly present Haiku a la Network:
Stone and beam support;
Bruininks provides for all,
all of our athletes.
Trickles of water
replace not mighty rivers.
Where are you, Yudof?
Bruininks, so nice.
Puppies and kitties are nice,
Imagine my disappointment when I opened the Daily to Network and had to read about the weather. If I wanted inanity, I would read the Pioneer Press. Net: BOOM! Just think how hard it will be to study for Psych 1001 with a Network entry written all over your notes, Latka. Let’s have some more haiku, babies.
Finally, to Network: you had best keep a sharp eye and protective arm around Crossword. Dr. Date moves in next week, and I hear s/he is a bit of a lech. You don’t want the good Dr. pitching woo all over BackTalk. Net: We don’t make a party out of loving. Rest assured that we will remain your raunchy, sophomoric, asinine alternative to listening in class.
Isn’t it amazing, AbleMindedAuthor, how we “CLA heathens” manage to dress ourselves in the morning? I am continually impressed with myself for being able to walk and chew gum at the same time! Net: Well, that’s better than Jerry Ford could do. I sincerely hope you caught the sarcasm in that, but it is entirely possible that you were too wrapped up in yourself to catch it. You are just one more self-absorbed IT moron tortured by the idea you have to breathe the same air as us mortals here at the U. I really hate to be the one to point this out to you, but the universe doesn’t revolve around you. Net: Yeah, and shouldn’t those science guys have heard about Galileo and Copernicus and stuff? This may be hard for you to understand, seeing as you’ve given yourself a god-like status in your own eyes, but stick with me. I really doubt that NeedsAHug set out that morning to lock their bike to yours. Get real, they didn’t get up that morning and think “gee, whose day can I ruin?” They made a mistake, mortals tend to do that. So keep your bitchy, unnecessary notes to yourself and realize it was just a mistake and life goes on.
First off I need to ask you two favors Go Blue: 1) Shut your stinking pie-hole and stop polluting this clean Minnesota air that we all breathe. Net: Hear, hear! MOC: Yer damn right! 2) Because of your incoherent blabbing about the Gophers losing to the Wolverines, do us all a favor and crawl back to the stinking, backwater, mud-hole called Michigan. Net: And bring us back some pasties if you go to the U.P., eh? We the students of the U of MN do not need your kind here, if you come here to the U of MN you can cheer for different professional teams but support your school for NUTT sake. So please do the entire student body a favor and leave, or else we will set the squirels on your sorry butt. I swear, Minneapolis should repeal the smoking ban and implement a ban on stupidity. Network, our friend, please screen comments from the sick minds of those that do not cheer for the Maroon and Gold. I am done venting, but I’ll be back when it suits me. Good day Networkia.