Net: With Passover merely days away, we thought we’d celebrate one of the world’s oldest religions (ya know, Beatlemania) with a mostly pork entry. Carry on our wayward sons and daughters, there’ll be peace when you are done.
HOGS ‘N CORN
To Tink, Minnesotana and Spoonman from More Brains Than You Three: You focking idiots!! Are you really that stupid not to care about hogs and corn? Net: We think we speak for all of us when we say, yes, yes we are that stupid. Unless you are all vegetarians, you better damn well care. What do you think you live on? Net: Fairy dust and magic mushrooms? Where do you think pork chops, spare ribs, ham, bacon, etc. come from? Net: The Grocery Casket? Definitely not the factory! Hate to burst your bubble, but that all comes from HOGS! Net: DEAR ADONAI! Alert PUFF Daddy! And SOMebODY FIX our CAPS-LOCK key! How are hogs grown? With CORN! NET: SWEET SUFFERIN’ SUCCOTASH! Corn is used to raise every meat-bearing animal there is, like cows, chickens, sheep, etc. What about sweet corn and corn on the cob? Where does that come from? Net: HOGS! The field that is fertilized quite often with smelly sh!t. Would you rather have farmers use chemically-made fertilizer or natural fertilizer? Net: At this point, does anyone know/care? And don’t even think of blaming the farmers for using too much fertilizer, because there have been studies that prove that people from larger cities use more fertilizer and in more careless ways than farmers. Net: Yeah, don’t even think about it. ‘Cuz we’re sure you were. So the next time you bash corn- and hog-growing people, stop and think about how you live. Net: And the children. Please think about the children.
GENDERWARS
From Mr. Badestass. Hey Network, did you read the Dr. Date Thursday? Net: Hell no. The only thing we read in this damn rag is the crossword, A&E and Schortemeyer’s column. Goddamn fool was bitching about having sex with TWO women whenever he wanted. Net: We really gotta start readin’ this paper more thoroughly. Whatever hallucinogen this guy is taking, I want two. Net: Make that three. Also, to assure that my poopy letter makes it to the back page, I would like to say that this whole Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin thing is so dull. Net: We had 14 letters to pick from, and believe us, we would have cut this guy just for saying that. But we agree with the dullitude of the issue. Carry on. We should instead stir up gender wars because women suck. Net: Our favorite man joke: How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? Why are women’s feet shorter than men’s? So they can stand closer to the sink. Of Wisconsin, Minnesota and Iowa, stand up and unite against the foul creatures we call women. (For you Iowans, you might have to turn on your lovers, I mean sisters). Net: And for you Minnesotans that might mean turning on your mothers, uh, we mean, uh-oh never mind. We’re not humorous any more … Oh yeah, (focking short term memory loss) and in regards to the recent criticism, Network, you have been receiving about your subpar performance, they are just jealous of your power. Net: Our evil, terrible power grows with every passing second. YOU! Sitting against the wall, waiting for class to start. Do THE CROSSWORD! NOW! And see IF you CAN gET someonE to look at our CAPS LOCK KEY! And who wouldn’t be? You get to sort through mail and come up with smartass responses to it. Well, all the peace and love and may the force be with you. Net: Peace and love have very little to do with what we’re all about. We’re all about girlz ‘n cash. Or boyz ‘n doughnuts. Whichever. Andnowwegottago.
WE’RE No. 1
Achtung PIMP97 & ARMOE96: Stuff it up your ass, you chumps!!! Net: Doesn’t some Christmas carol start like that? You completely miss the point of Network. If you take out Net’s comments you are left with senseless ramble about the guy-to-girl ratio in IT and the ever-so-entertaining my-state-is-better-than-your-state arguments…..OHH I’m on the edge of my seat!!!!! Net: Rest assured, we are not. While I’m on those topics, what the hell is going on here??? Net: We’re sorry, you’re going to have to ask a more broad question, such as: Zuh? University students are given a forum for what have you, and no one can think of anything to write about!!! Net: Here’s a topic: Best rack in your class (include when, where and what class, as well as the info on the “goods.”) Go. I got news for you all. If it weren’t for Iowa there would be no Fritos or Doritos for you dimwits to stuff your ugly heads with while watching “South Park.” Net: That’s it. We’re switching to Funyuns. If there were no Wisconsin there would be no cheap beer for all the lightweights on campus to drink until they piss on themselves. Net: You think that’s special? We know a guy who set his face on fire, mid-shot, at a bar. If there were no North Dakota … UH … ANYWAY, you all BORE me! Doesn’t anyone have any good stories about liquor, sex or prison?? Net: We cover all three categories, but we’re running out of space.
IF YA STILL CARE
Net: We don’t know if any of you are still interested, and if you don’t like pointless rambling, we suggest you switch to the crossword or Bizarro now. You’ve been warned. From Scared to Howling Mad Murdock: Here’s the deal. The Smurfs are delivered by a snork once in a blue moon. This is how Baby Smurf showed up in a very dramatic episode where the Smurfs were faced with the possibility of having to give him up because he was meant for another Smurf village. Ordinarily, there are no female Smurfs. Smurfette was created by Gargamel as an evil Smurf (lots of feminist critiques could come from this). She was only made good by Papa Smurf casting a spell over her. Sassette was made by the Smurflings, who incidentally were originally full-grown Smurfs who played around in Father Time’s house and became juvenile Smurfs. Anyway … Net: OK, that was about all we could stomach. We promise more male jokes/women jokes tomorrow, if we think of any. As an omnisexual, omniPOTENT being, we reserve the right to make fun of all genders, races and religions. Up next: Polygamists. Discuss.
