Gateway project

by John Adams

Hanging from scaffolding and frothing at the mouth while shouting obscenities down upon the crowd about tuition increases, a University student made his protest of the University Gateway building.
“Where is the love?” he asked a crowd at the foot of the building.
“I pay and pay and pay — and they build a billion-dollar gate?” shouted David Lundeen, a criminology major and arguably the most irate student at the University. Lundeen said construction at the University is increasing his tuition and that he will not stand for it — but he will sit on scaffolding to protest it.
Lundeen’s protest worked. By locking himself to a critical part of the scaffolding on the fourth story of the University Gateway building, construction workers were unable to get to their work sites Monday. When one worker, Devon Stauffer, tried to blow-torch the U-lock off Lundeen’s neck, Lundeen responded with a growl and bit him. “I think that guy has rabies,” Stauffer said. “He does have nice teeth though,” as he pointed to the neat row of teeth in the bite mark on his arm.
“He has a pretty strong bite. It took four or five guys to get my arm out of his mouth. You gotta respect a guy who is so dedicated to his ideas though,” Stauffer said.
Lundeen’s ideas are scattered, however, much like his mind at this point. Officials speculated that Lundeen suffers from rabies and has been locked to the scaffolding for 28 hours. His speech was slurred through the froth around his mouth. Bits of foam could be seen floating down the four floors of the scaffolding and dropping on to the crowd:
“Take that you mindless voles, don’t blah bsul shelaa you see what you aaare, the u…niberersi..ty (pausing to shake his head and spit) just uses you to build their empire. You think this building is for you? Hellooo, its for B-U-R-E-A-U-C-R-A-T-S,” he said, spelling out the word in a moment of clarity.
The crowd, made up of students and construction workers, had started the morning by throwing rocks and cement debris at Lundeen but by afternoon had come around to his way of thought.
“Everyone started to say, ‘Yeah, this guy speaks the truth’ and it just caught on,” said Mark Lindquist, a senior in accounting.
When confronted with the information that the University Gateway was funded through private donations, Lundeen quickly spit up the rusty bike lock key that had caused him to froth at the mouth and slur his speech, unlocked himself and jumped off the scaffolding to his supporters’ arms. “I love you guys … I think I missed my final … what day is it?”