For all you people who think it’s acceptable to wear white after Memorial Day, listen up. Your fashion sense is starving for a little quality time with this article.
No, contrary to popular belief on this campus, wearing your hat backward or sporting your hypercolor warm-up suit is not all the rage.
As a student at this University, you not only bear the burden of dressing in a civilized manner, you should aspire to encourage your classmates to rethink their fashion choices.
To begin, here are some warning signs that your fashion sense might be in dire straights.
ù You aspire to dress like Debbie Gibson or Bon Jovi.
ù No matter what the outfit, you think white high-top shoes compliment it.
ù You coordinate your eyeshadow with your outfit.
ù Your idea of mixing things up is to wear a belt in order to “break things up a bit.”
ù You allow lycra to rear its ugly head outside of your workout routine.
ù You dust the mothballs off your dad’s corduroy suit to take your girlfriend out for a nice evening.
ù You wear white socks with dress shoes or black pants.
ù Your “genuine leather” coat reeks like plastic.
ù Your hairstyle requires an entire bottle of L.A. Looks hair gel.
If you can identify with any of these fashion no-no’s, it would be wise to re-evaluate your style.
But don’t fret for long, because there is help for miserable, ill-dressed people like yourself!
First off, ditch anything from the 1980s. That should empty out at least half of your closet.
Next, get rid of anything that brings you back to the good ol’ high-school days (you know, the County Seat-looking items).
Then, be sure to do away with any faux animal items such as jackets, belts, gloves or other accessories.
Immediately after purging the contents of your closet, head to the nearest mall. Make sure you have the proper plastic in hand to make your purchases.
Fill your shopping bags with the finest of materials, such as cashmere, leather, silk, and wool. Don’t forget accessories — preferably gold.
When you’ve completed this task, it’s time for the fun part. Display all your luscious items for all the world to see — you’ll truly be a rock star.