BECAUSE WE CARE
Net: Sometime over the weekend, we received the following seemingly innocuous public supplication, the kind of which we readily print:
From Yngwie: Oh, salutary and spectacular Network, on Friday I lost my **** somewhere between ********* and ******** halls. They are, well, the **** to my life and their absence pains me greatly. On the **** are a couple of ****** **** and several ***** ****. Please help me in my plight.
Net: Problem was, by the time we got it, we had already — how do you say it — gone to press. No matter, we thought — the week is long. Tuesday publication will suffice. As a matter of fact, we had already included the letter — sans asterisked omissions, of course — in our completed version of today’s Network. That is, until we received the following Monday afternoon:
From Yngwie: Jesus Christ! I wrote a letter to you teddible, teddible people Friday, in my time of need, because I lost all of my f@##%ing **** somewhere on campus. I was hoping that you would hear my plea and pass it on out of the goodness of your heart. With much trepidation, I opened the Daily today, and what do I see? No plea. Instead, what do you print? Net: WHATEVER WE WANT. Far-right screeds, letters from love-lorn losers, minuscule moronic melodies for Mike Mills and heterosexual harassing haikus. F@##% ERM! Screw secret places for jacking off! I just want to know if anybody found my damn ****!
Net: Yngwie, we’re sorry your scurrilous, chafing effrontery dashed the diminutive modicum of pity we might have had — no plea for you. Onward, to more obsequious letters:
From Bubba the Kid: First off, I found a key Friday on the far east end of the Badger Lot by the bus shelter. It is a single key on a brown leather strap. The key says Axxess on it and has a number on the back. Net: Try the door in Annie’s restroom that goes to ‘nowhere.’ You might be pleasantly surprised. Just thought I’d do a good deed today. Other business: Who — or better yet, where — are all the dumb bastards that voted for Jesse? I thought I saw them all at the Capitol the other day crying for aid. Honesty might be the best policy, but you better listen to the message next time and quit looking at the peripheral bald-headed one: OPEN YOUR EARS. I wonder why Mae Schunk was chosen as his running mate when he said all along he was for cutting higher education money? Unless you have a cache of cash, next time you vote, think Democrat; they will help the students. Then vote Republican after you leave school and start making fat cash.
Net: How many times must we remind y’all? THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA STUDENT POPULATION RESOUNDINGLY CHOSE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE HUBERT H. “SKIP” HUMPHREY FOR GOVERNOR; ELECTION RESULTS HAVE REPEATEDLY SHOWN THIS. It was the outstate, snowmobilin’, ‘rasslin’-watchin’, double-wide yahoos that voted Jesse into office.
GLAMOUR SHOTS
From Rollerdiva: Dear Net, I have to apologize in advance for what I am about to say, Net: And we apologize in advance for how severely we intend to raze you but as a Loring Bar employee and member of the SOciety Of Tragically Hip Young People (SOOTHYP — the “T” is silent) Net: Ooo! Ooo! Do you have weekly meetings? A 12-step program? something has to be clarified concerning the gross misinterpretation of the term “hip” conducted by Kristen Meinzer in the Feb. 4 A&E.
A for effort, but you could drink all the tea and Grain Belt beer in the whole world, and you will never be as hip as someone who is on a first-name basis with one or all the owners of the three L’s Net: That’s the Loring, the Local and the Lounge, for those of you who weren’t paying attention listed in your article, and even then you wouldn’t even be half as cool as someone who has given Jason McLean lighting design tips Net: He didn’t use them or smoked a bowl with Johann in his office Net: You coughed! Besides, it was schwag or pounded back a couple tall cold ones with Stephen Brown at Whiteys. Net: Hope you wiped your shoes when you got home (Bonus points if you can match each person to their respective bar.) Net: How about raiding Merchant’s late night with Kieran? Or did you forget about him, Roller?
I think the real issue here, judging by Kristen’s bitter tone toward the patrons of said establishments, is that she has … (shh! don’t let anyone hear you if you’re reading aloud) Kristen might have low self-esteem and no self-confidence. You see, you don’t need to know all that stuff she mentions in her article like French and politics to be hip, just a lot of style, grace and charm. Anybody who snubs you for not knowing the particulars of the subject that interests them the most is called a PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL and is automatically blacklisted from our society. Were Kristen really an authority on chicness, she would know this. Net: You’re goin’ ultra double-negative on us now, Roller.
As for the Loring, newspapers in general have always been fascinated with it. Last year, A&E’s own Dr. Date mentioned it Net: There’s legitimacy in one of his articles as one of the best places in the city to make out in public, which, by the way, increased the average pair of grouppers from one to six a week. Net: Gropers? Grippers? Gophers? Mr. Ropers? The StarTrib even went as far as to say that the bar was staffed by a motley crew of junkies and thieves. Net: Terms of endearment in any modern society.
Before I end my entry, I offer a new standard to judge your hipness by: Do strange people who you don’t know, know you by name? Net: No, but strangely, people who know us don’t know our name … Has DJ Keoki ever asked you for speed in the basement of your house at 4 a.m.? Net: Ooooh. Now we get it. YOU know the DeeeJaaay … Do you remember what you did last night? Net: Do you get free parking? More tomorrow …
