Net: It was a voyage like any other voyage. The wine was fine, and the chicken was delicious. We were all caught in steerage, having a rollicking good time, when suddenly our ship ran into a great big chunk of ice.
Caught between conflicting pulls toward survival and honor, we decided to give our lives to save some rich babe who looked good naked. We thus speak to you from our watery graves — but our inspiration lives on, and we shall be with you forever. We shall be independent! Defiant! Alive! Hear us roar!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE NOT NINJA TURTLES
From Da Critic: Has any one else in Network land seen the movie “Titanic?” Net: No!!!!!! I’d just thought I’d write in to say how really profoundly stupid that old lady was for throwing that diamond into the sea. The main villains in the movie were an unlikely encounter, even for a ship the size of the Titanic. It was a pretty good movie otherwise. Net: No!!!!!
Does the Daily need another movie critic on board??? Net: No!!!!! I’m available.
WE ARE NOT KEMO-SABES
From Indisposed to Dr. Nick: I read your entry Thursday and felt bad that you proved to Network that you have no understanding of the subject you addressed. Net: But as that has never stopped any of our writers in the past, thank you for your contribution. You clearly stated that “African is a nationality.” Net: We’ve seen the rains down there. That made me giggle cause it is wrong. The root of the word nationality is nation. Net: We thought it was “tional,” which means bad-spelling person with perfect pitch. I’d like to inform you, Einstein, that Africa is a continent. The same rule applies to the statement “American is a nationality,” but in that case it is two continents.
Now here is where it gets complicated. Canada is a nation that is part of the Americas, and therefore, they can be considered Americans, along with Mexico and the rest of South and North America. The term “Americans” is only applied to the United States by citizens of the United States because we have big egos and are a bunch of pricks Net: Not true. As of the last census, approximately 51 percent of U.S. residents were female. Despite this, people in the rest of the Americas consider themselves to be Americans, too. Sorry I had to bust your balls, but maybe you should take a College of Liberal Arts class to help you understand or just buy a map and look up “nationality” in the dictionary. That will help you figure it out.
Also, what kind of job are you applying for that does not accept Caucasians? Net: You know — professional basketball player. Stuff like that. And will you be proud if you get the job? I guess I don’t understand what kind of “major corporation” this is, cause the only major corporation I could join that only accepts Caucasians (which I am) is the Aryan Brotherhood. Net: And Texaco. I am not at all interested in this group and would never be proud of being part of such group.
Good luck in the future — I’m sure this job will be fulfilling for you. Net: Especially if you get to run the KKK Laundromat. More bleach, anyone?
WE ARE NOT A MACHINE (PSA 1)
From Robot Boy: On Wednesday, March 11, there will be a robot show in the Great Hall of Coffman Union. Net: Wearing the latest Versace … More than 200 different robots will be on display for everyone to see from 2:40 to 4:30 p.m.
If you are an engineer, the designs will delight you. If you are not an engineer, you will still enjoy the aesthetics of these projects. Net: Ah, yes! The round, sublime form of R2D2. Ooooohhhh. We’re too sexy for our bolts, too sexy for our bolts … It should be a fun show, so stop by if you have a chance!
WE ARE NOT AUTOMOBILES
From UWillCrash: I had an unusually long wait Friday afternoon trying to leave the Transit Lot and was wondering if you had the “inside scoop” as to why the hell it took me about 40 minutes to get through to the pay booth. Net: No!!!!! But our readers, perhaps? I swear that for half an hour the only people getting out of the lot were those in trucks who drove over the curbs (I would have liked to join in that fun, but I have too many fond memories of my car to want to hurt it like that). Net: It’s tough to not treat it right when you see paradise by the dashboard light.
At any rate, I listened to a full 11 songs on my ABBA Gold CD before I was finally freed. Net: So if you’re near us, darling you can hear us, SOS I am really interested in what the problem was — did all the people in the booths have to go potty at the same time? Net: When they’re gone, how can we even try to go on? If so, why did it take them over half an hour? Wait! Maybe I don’t want to know.
WE ARE NOT A BOOKSTORE (PSA 2)
From HoKo to Angel of Cynicism: The Student Book Exchange is on the World Wide Web (Netscape or Internet Explorer) at http://t1.chem.umn.edu/~hack/SBE/indexl.cgi
After that it is self-explanatory. Spread the word. I have books on there I would like to sell.
To Net: Why haven’t you been printing my letters like the one about the “and your mother” guys at the basketball games? Net: We haven’t seen them. We are your public forum, but we are not your mind-reader. Have a defiant week, everyone. Finals are near. It is time to dig in.
