Net: Enough alread…

Net: Enough already. Break is over. It’s time to come to terms with reality, shake loose the rust and get a-typin’, lest the indomitable forces of evolution wither away your fingers and leave you with two hairy stubs at the end of your arms. And you wouldn’t want that, now, would you? Think about how people would poke fun at your unfortunate malady … they’d call you “Stubby” or “Fisty” and, well, let’s just say it wouldn’t get any better from there.
FAMILY TIES
From Nasty McShasty: So, you want spring break stories? I got your spring break story right here. I sat around s##!tty Minnesota and got fat. How do you like that story? Net: It was like the clouds parted, the rivers flowed backward and we touched the hand of Yudof. That, our friend, is how much we liked that story. Yeah, basically I slept in late, stayed up late, and ate lots of Wendy’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken. I worked on my albino-like tan as well, but if I took my shirt off (don’t make me do it), I would still blind you like the sun. Net: Nuh-uhhh. We’re wearing McSPF 69. Try to shine your ass through that. This spring break, I also realized my dad is way cooler than even I am. And that is f&@kin’ cool. Net: It sure is, in a nose and ear hair kinda way. My dad told me he has seen American Pie four times and kept repeating quotes from the movie to me. Net: Next thing you’re gonna tell us is that you shared a beer, worked on the pickup together and he showed you his porn collection. Between his or my mom repeating, “One time at band camp …” I’m pretty sure I almost never want to see that movie again. Then, on Saturday, my dad grew roots in the couch and watched the entire Real World/Road Rules challenge (6 hours long!), and then he sat and bitched to me about how Los isn’t really a team player and how Amaya is f’in hot. Net: Amaya … now, was that the eccentric-feather-boa-walk-around-naked-spot-on-the-forehead bitch or the sorority-tease-gotta-have-a-boyfriend-or-she’s-gonna-croak-huge-rack bitch? Either way, Pops needs another pull on the hookah pipe. I really felt like I bonded well with my dad because of this. Then, when my sister got back from Acapoco, Net: Some typos are funnier than anything we could come up with I got to hear how great it was for two straight days. I am a f&@king junior and she is a wee little freshman, and she has already got the one-up on me for spring breaks (and probably 10-up on random hook-ups, too). Net: Cut down on the Wendy’s and KFC, and things might turn around for you. Then again, probably not. So just keep getting fatter, at which point women will gravitate to your because you’re non-threatening in a teddy-bear kinda way. Then again … I guess I can’t complain too much, ’cause all in all, spring break 2000 was all right, but next year Mexico betta be watchin’ out, cuz this white-ass gringo will be bringing the party wherever he goes. Whatever that means. Net: We think it translates roughly to “treatment.” Enjoy. Peace.

From Ken: Net: aka the previously unknown, and perhaps misunderstood, Unicycle Boy. Just thought we’d run this letter to bring a little closure to the ever-engaging criticisms/defenders of a certain local and his penchant for one-wheeled transport: I thought I should explain myself before this whole uni-thing gets too tangled up. I am attending the University through the Post-Secondary Enrollment Options program. I need to leave my high school in the middle of class to get to my University classes. Net: Apparently we have quite a bit in common. We skip our University classes so we can go torment high-school kids with a constant barrage of “NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-BOO-BOO!” Because of the parking shortage, I get stuck with a spot more than a mile off campus. The buses come every half-hour and are useless to my schedule. Net: A jaded veteran of the University already. Fancy that. Instead, I put my unicycle in my trunk (my bike will not fit, and it was stolen last year) Net: The question is, which came first? and ride it so I’m not late for class. I enjoy unicycling much more than rollerblading. Also, I don’t ride it very often outside of the University, so it’s hardly my lifestyle. (I don’t know anything about the Olympic team). Net: Ask Professor Tara Somethinorother ’bout that. If you can catch her. She’s quite busy ignoring students, you know. I can see where Numbnuts was coming from, not knowing all of this. I’m actually glad Numbnuts brought this up. The wise man hears his critic; the fool is deaf. Net: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Confucius Jr. to the show. I never gave my unicycle a second thought before. I will be attending IT Honors next year, Net: Showoff. That’s like having a 20-year-old editor in chief. and without the conflict of high school, I can just take the bus. For now, I’ll stick to my “set of wheel.” Net: AAAH! All that talent and a quick wit to boot.
DOKUMINTAYSHUN
From Emmaville (pop. 4): As recently as last Friday, I received an important document from the University. Net: We get those once in a while. They’re called “invoices” or something, but we just ignore ’em. This isn’t unusual since I also recently changed colleges and have many other correspondences with the administration here. However, this is unusual because I accidentally received an important document for another student, specifically, Tracy Davis. Needless to say, this is a document Tracy most likely wants back and as soon as possible. I understand Network has innumerable other contributions to print Net: Yeah, right. We’re totally inundated. That’s why we’re printing this garbage as well as the fact Network does not wish to assume the duties of a “lost and found,” but I implore you to print this message and do so as soon as possible. Net: Don’t tell us what to do, Mr. Smarty-Pants. We just might pay attention. I will leave my e-mail address and my campus phone number with Network at the end of this message so Tracy can contact me and rightfully claim what is hers (or his, you never know). Thank you. Net: No, thank you for making Networkia a shinier, happier place. We’re all indebted to you for giving us an exceptionally lame entry that will no doubt ease the bulk of campus into a restful sleep until the end of class rolls around ….
All jokes aside, if you see a Tracy Davis wandering aimlessly from University building to University building, an uninformed look plastered across his/her face (you never know), pass it on.