Okay girls, let’s talk about that time of the semester.
You’re feeling the finals week blues. You’re staring at study guides that resemble New York City phone books, all those days you skipped class are catching up with you (“Biology means ‘study of life’? It all makes sense now!”), and sleep and friends are becoming fading memories of a past life as you live on Fig Newtons and month-old Dr. Pepper and hope the chattering voices in your head can make sense of the big words your books keep using. (What does “sociohegemonic” mean anyway? That’s a new band, right?)
But before you hunker down for several days of hard-core, ultimate extreme academics, don’t forget what’s really going to make you dream or scream about sitting through this ordeal two hours at a time: showing off your super-chic styles to all those hunky freshmen and proving to everyone that even after an all-nighter, you’re still the most happenin’ cat in the kennel. After all, finals is the only day all semester when everyone shows up, so if you bust the right moves you can make a gale-force impression.
The first rule is to look like a million and dress like you spent that much. Finals is not the time to get cheap, girlfriends. A picture is worth a thousand-word essay test, and you need to be a Picasso to really make something of your special week.
School colors are out. Honestly, who wants to look like a cheerleader when there are no football hotties to wow? You’ll just end up humiliated when a bunch of geeky Computer Science freshmen or tofu-class Cultural Studies and Comparative Literature intellibrainiacs sit around you … and look at you … for the whole two hours … and maybe try to talk to you … need this nightmare continue?
While your getting your tip-top color scheme together, don’t forget about the style appeal of the clothes you pick. White socks are a definite no-no; ditto for T-shirts — way to look like you got down and funky with the bleach on laundry day! Eww.
Khaki pants are usually A-OK, but for finals they’re too … scholarly. Looking like you’re just there to take a test just invites people to ignore you. You’ll be sitting as lonely and deserted as Coffman Union. Hello, what is the point of finals then? Sheesh.
Clothes featuring the names of other colleges can score beaucoup points, but avoid the classic rookie mistake: Only feature schools that are far and away better than yours. Your outfit needs to say, “Face it, kids. I don’t have to be here.”
And don’t forget the importance of accessories: A fanny-kickin’ outfit with a mechanical pencil will leave you dead in the water. Don’t let this happen to you.
Whatever you pick out, make sure you leave yourself enough prep time in the morning to make it perfect. When you trot into that lecture room, the whole package needs to say, “Yo! I am too sexy for my bluuuuuuuueeee book!”
If you follow these easy-as-pie tips, no matter how your tests go you know you’ll be going to the head of the class.

Secret Victoria welcomes comments at [email protected]