Net: As the head of…

Net: As the head of Network, the nefarious and perverse section of the Daily’s otherwise sleek anatomy, the section that consistently delivers cynicism and intellectual discourse to our beloved campus on a daily basis (almost), we come to you today preoccupied and concerned. We understand it is summer session, a time of the year where only two groups of students dwell on campus: 1) Youthful brainiacs, with the ambition and drive to excel in their studies and make it out of this academic bear-trap in less than 12 years, or 2) Seasoned college veterans who, last semester, looked around campus and felt a good 15 years older than the incoming freshman in their beginning astronomy or composition class, and have finally decided to “move on” before their beer bellies exemplify the decade of their lives they’ve spent on this campus. With this in mind, we still ask, “Where are all of the loyal Net readers and their letters?” Don’t let the rain fool you, dear Net reader, it’s been a dry summer…
From YouKnowWho: Hey numbnuts, I don’t know what kind of an imposter you think you are, but we true Networkians know you are merely an impersonation of our leader. Net: I never once tried to impersonate Jerry Lewis. First off, Network does not refer to itself as “I.” Being omnipotent is a rough job and requires a “we” address. Net: Think of it as a plural “I.” Next, the true Net would never say Slater looked good in a thong, loves black licorice and hates N’Sync. Net: Don’t live in denial. Sheesh, pal, you can’t even fake it well. Net: But we’ve heard your girlfriend sure can. What ever happened to her, anyway? Probably still drowning in the Apple River. I, along with the rest of Networkia, demand the safe return of our original, beloved leader. Net: Your leader is no more. That’s right — there has been a coup of sorts in the land of Network. As a wise man once said,you gotta crack some eggs to make an omelet. And if we find out you sent him off to Duluth or something, you’ll be the first up against the wall, jacknuts. Net: It’s not wise to question the new Network regime, sir. Networkia won’t be surprised when you suddenly cease writing in. You will follow us without question, if you know what’s good for you, or your cheap desk.
From King Sausage: I was rather entertained by Biznitch‘s list of stuff (s)he hates, believe it or not. I think it would provide for fun summer reading if all of us mofos who read Network contributed their own lists of sh*t that sucks. Net: Right, because we love to hear what really gets King Sausage‘s goat. Here’s mine: the Daily. This paper bites ass. The editorial pieces are a joke. Net: No, no, that’s the editorial CARTOONS. Those contain jokes. The writing is so unbelievably juvenile Net: You mean like Back that Thang Up? that I nearly vomit with laughter once realizing that these dipsh*ts want to pursue a career in journalism! WTF!?! Net: The Daily gets no love. No love.
Another object of my scorn is the set of norms in the superhero world. Check this: Why must they all wear bright-ass, neon-colored, tight muthafu*kin’ leotards? Net: The laws of aerodynamics make tight Lycra more appealing. If you don’t believe us, just ask any track athlete, or your mother on her way to the Big Boy. “I must save the world, but first let me head to Marshall’s to buy the tightest f**king pink pants I can find…” WTF? Net: Even superheroes succumb to the pressure of fashion. Not just young boys feel the need to dress like the members of Nelson. Or, how superheroes are always buff. Why would you need huge biceps when you can fire lasers from your ass? Net: To pick up the mess? Huh? Or, the fact that they all have “secret identities.” That’s BULLsh*t! If I could spin webs out of my arms or fly, you had better BELIEVE I’d be showing that off! Net: Then you’d definitely have all the ladies. Or the ones that are into S&M, at least. Dayum!!! On a final note (but, alas, there is more), I hate how every superhero or villain has to have all these huge goals and sh*t. Net: Damn, you kiss your mother with that mouth? This letter is like an excerpt from a Redd Foxx routine (except for its lack of humor). Can’t somebody be bitten by a radioactive spider and just be cool with having a low-key lifestyle? Why go out and destroy all of humanity or conquer villains? Jeezus…Net: Or maybe they could dedicate their lives to more noble pursuits, like fighting University red tape or making student loans “disappear.” All Hail King Sausage!!!!
From Red Headed Bitch: To King Sausage (I’d like to see that), Net: Uh oh. I have to agree with you on your impression of the big millennium. Where’s the three Horsemen? Net: Oh boy. OK, look, it’s the FOUR horsemen. We could care less if you’ve read revelations or not, but at least listen to early Metallica. And no power outages on New Year’s really bummed me out. Doesn’t matter what party you were at, Network, NOTHING HAPPENED! Net: Wrong. SOMETHING happened at the party we were at, if you know what we mean (wink wink, hubba-hubba). And for the record, Guns ‘n’ Roses are never getting back together Net: That’s not true. They picked up a new bass player who used to be in a Minneapolis band. Anyone know the answer? The Eagles already did that when hell froze over. Net: OK, it’s time for Net to vent: WE HATE THE FU%*ING EAGLES! And to Biznitch: Go get laid.